a second chance - Hotchniss

Pieces [Aaron]

I made my way to the door of our house, broken. I had never intended to end this conversation this way, no. Why was everything so complicated? Why couldn't I just accept the fact that she needed time? It was completely understandable that she did.

While driving, I decided to head home and get changed and then go to work. I knew that I didn't have to go, but I needed distraction and if I had work, my mind would hopefully drift off.

It was around 5:30 am when I arrived on our floor. Only a few lights were on, nearly nobody was already there, so I walked straight to my office.
"I'm an early bird, what's your excuse?", I suddenly heard Rossi's voice and turned around. "You're always early but never this early", he sighed. "Did something happen with Emily? How is she, by the way?"

I didn't reply and went to my office, so he followed me.

"Okay, what happened?", he directly asked after he had closed the door behind him.

I sighed and sat down at my desk: "I ruined it."

"Would you explain that for those people who cannot read your mind?", he sat down in the chair in front of my desk.

"Some days ago, when I actually wanted to tell her that I love her and that I want her back, she said that she is not ready to be in an official relationship with me yet. We agreed on just staying in the situation that we are in at the moment, and to see where this would take us-"

"And what is your current situation?"

"It's difficult to explain. I'd say we act like a couple, but both of us are still guarded. We don't talk about our relationship or something like that. There are times when it's totally awkward, and then there are times when we act like we are goofy teenagers. I don't know. It's way too complicated. But it doesn't matter anymore. I ruined it.", I looked down on my hands.

"May I ask how?", Rossi asked, annoyed that I didn't continue to explain the situation.

"Today is our 13th wedding anniversary. We both were already wide awake at 3 in the morning, but since she was still a bit sick we decided to stay in. We just stayed in bed, both wearing pajamas, watching TV randomly. We were just fooling around until she kissed me. And then this question shot through my head; 'Why aren't we official again'? And I asked her again, which was totally stupid because only some days ago she had told me that she is not ready, but I didn't really think through this. She rejected me again and I said that I wasn't sure if I could keep going like this and then, well... I left.", I sighed and retained my head in my left hand.

"Shit...", Rossi mumbled. "You should apologize to her. She needs it."

"I guess she doesn't even want to talk to me at the moment.", I answered. "I just... I just keep asking myself how I manage to break her all the time. I cause so much pain for her. All I want is her to be happy, but every time I try to, I do something wrong."

"It's not your fault", Rossi said. "Let's be honest, both of you are not easy to handle. That's the main problem, both of you love the other one so much that it consumes you, it makes both of you do the craziest things. But that's what it's all about, Hotch. You two need each other, you belong to each other. I know it's hard, but both of you need to be patient. It's never easy to fix a relationship."

I didn't respond, I thought about his words. Maybe he was right. I knew that I needed Emily, but did she really need me? Or was she better off without me?

"I do have to finish this report before Garcia comes in with a new case", he said and got up. "But remember my words and go apologize to her. She may react super pissed, but a least she'll know that you are sorry." And with these words he left my office.

I took a deep breath and shook my head. I needed distraction, that was why I had even come here. Looking over the files and papers on my desk, I decided to read through the papers that had come in yesterday when I had not been at work since Emily had been sick. My thoughts drifted off and I asked myself how she was doing right now. I was hoping that at least her temperature had gone down and that she might feel better by now...

-

My question was answered some hours later, when she showed up at her desk, perfectly on time. Even though she had put make up on, her eyes were surrounded by dark circles and the light that usually sparkled in her eyes was gone. I watched her talking to JJ, and even thoughI couldn't hear their words, I knew that JJ was asking her how she was and if anything happened. JJ had always been the first to recognize if something had happened between Emily and me.

I waited for JJ to leave, but they talked for quite some time, so I tried to focus on my work again, but I couldn't. I always found myself turning my head back to them, analyzing Emily's behavior. When JJ had finally sat down at her desk, I headed out of my office and walked to Emily's desk.

"Can we talk?", I directly asked her. "In my office?"

"I don't think that this is a good idea", she whispered, not looking into my eyes. She sounded broken, and I just wanted to make her feel better, to put her back together again. But I was the one who had broken her.

"Please, hear me out", I begged.

"Aaron, please don't do this. Not now", she whispered, looking down so I would not see the tears that had formed in her eyes.

"I'm sorry", I said. "I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for what I have said and done. I was so stupid."

She looked up to again, not saying a word. Then, she emptied the glass that was filled with pencils on her desk and dropped it to the floor. It broke in many pieces.
"If I apologize to the glass now, do you think the pieces will fall into place again?"