a second chance - Hotchniss

Trigger [Aaron]

It was about hours later that Jonas left Alaska's room and I had to stop myself from directly jumping at him, Emily as well. I had expected some kind of happiness, but instead Jonas looked shocked, like he had seen a ghost.

"Is everything okay?", I asked him.

"Yea, she's asleep now", Jonas sighed but I knew that something had happened.

"Jonas", Emily gave him a worried look. "What happened?"

The boy just sat down, unable to look at us. I gave Emily a confused look and she didn't know what to do as well.

"Jonas?", she repeated.

"She", he whispered. "She told me about her trigger."

Once again, I turned my head to my wife and both our eyes widened. The trigger. That one piece we had looked for all the time, that one piece that might help her to recover forever.

"Tell us, please", I begged and we sat down on the chairs in front of him. I softly took Emily's hand and interlaced our fingers as she seemed really tensed, just like me. Jonas took a deep breath and began to talk.

-

"Okay...", Alaska whispered. The young girl had never been able to talk to someone concerning her trigger, she felt way too embarrassed about it.

"Do you remember Brooke? The cheerleader from our year?", she asked him.

"The one who moved to New York some years ago?", Jonas asked, slightly remembering a blonde girl who had always been very loud.

"Yea", Alaska sighed. "Brooke and I had always gone to lunch together since everyone else was already allowed to leave the school grounds because they were old enough. Brooke and I were the only one's of our group who were not allowed to go, so we always went to the cafeteria together."

She stopped, closing her eyes in order to stop the tears that were filling her eyes. Those memories were painful.

"What happened then?", he softly asked. "Did she get mean?"

"No", she whispered. "We grew really close friends thanks to our 'luck' and it became kind of a tradition, the two of us heading to the cafeteria whereas the others headed outside."

There was a short phase of silence. He gave her the space she needed, because this was probably the hardest thing she had ever done.

"And about two years ago, we all came back from summer break and Brooke had moved to New York. She had already told me about during the holidays, but I had totally forgotten that I still had to wait some months until I was finally allowed to leave the school grounds. And there I was, alone in the cafeteria; no idea where I should sit.", even as she spoke, tears already ran down her cheek silently. "I didn't know what to do, I was so embarrassed and I didn't want to sit alone, but - I was also too scared to sit with people I didn't know because I was so afraid of getting rejected or pushed away."

A slight sob left her mouth and he squeezed her hand comfortingly, assuring her that he was there and that he would always be with her.

Alaska had probably never felt this weak before, she would have never thought that talking about it was that hard. It was like she needed to talk herself 'free' of this matter, yet it was clinging to her and wouldn't let go.

"What did you do then?", Jonas carefully asked.

"I left the cafeteria. I just went to the library, or hid in the toilets until my friends would return. That was the first time I skipped a meal. I felt like I didn't need lunch anymore, it became some kind of horror because those breaks were always the worst.", she whispered.

"Why didn't you tell your friends?"

"I - I was too embarrassed. I didn't want them to think that I am a looser without any friends apart from them. I know they would have never judged me, but - I just couldn't.", she mumbled.

He nodded slightly, still holding her hand: "And how did you continue?"

"I started to skip lunch regularly, blaming it for making me so lonely. I was hungry at first, but I got used to it quite quickly, I guess. And then, one day as I was hiding on one of the toilets again, I asked myself how long I could go without any food at all. It - it was just a stupid question, but it just wouldn't leave my head. I kept asking myself what the answer was and then I started to skip more meals until I barely ate anything anymore.", she whispered, not able to look him into the eyes. She knew that she would going to break down sooner or later, but she had to push herself through this now. She had to be strong.

"What happened when you turned old enough to leave school for lunch break?", he asked. He was shocked in too many ways. He had seen Alaska in the halls of the school before they had gotten to know each other and he would have never expected that she had to hide somewhere because she was embarrassed of something.

"I went with them, but I always pretended to be out of money, or that I had forgotten my purse or that I had already eaten something. It was easy", she sighed.

"When did you meet her?", Jonas then whispered. He knew that she had always had some kind of demon following her around, influencing her and talking to her.

"One day", she sobbed. "We had to write down our weight in biology class to calculate our body mass index. It was actually just meant to be for fun, but mine was at the lower bottom of 'normal'. I - I didn't mind at first but some other girls were so happy that their body mass index showed 'strongly underweight', it was insane. And I got so jealous. I felt so... fat. That day I headed home and directly broke down as soon as I had arrived in my room. I hated myself so much. And... as I woke up the next morning I saw her, standing there. She was so pretty. She was literally everything I ever wanted to be, and she was so clever and she knew nearly everything..."

And with these words, Alaska Hotchner finally broke. She had finally managed to tell someone what has happened, and now it rushed over her once again, taking every little bit of power of her body. She broke down in his arms, who was unable to say anything, way too shocked himself.
They stayed there, just like this, until she fell asleep.

-

I kept staring at my daughter's boyfriend, unable to draw any kind of reaction. All the time I had asked myself what had happened to her and now, I did. I blamed myself for not noticing before, as well as my wife.
Carefully, I pulled her into a hug as she started to cry next to me.

"It's okay, Em", I whispered. "Everything's going to be better from now on."