a second chance - Hotchniss

Teen Idle [Alaska]

I smiled to myself as I climbed up the stairs and went to my room. I had really missed seeing my parents like this, cuddling on the couch. Even though my Mum was sick, I knew that she had missed Dad too and actually enjoyed his company, but she would never admit that.

While texting Jonas, I slipped into my bed and connected my phone to its charger before checking if I had already turned on an alarm clock for tomorrow. I answered some texts of my friends before locking my phone and putting it aside. I peacefully felt asleep shortly afterwards.

As the alarm of my phone entered my ears, I opened my eyes and turned it off. I got out of bed heavily, my eyelids barely open. I headed to my closet, looking for clothes I could wear, but I wasn't able to find any. 'I look ugly in all of these', I thought while turning to the mirror on the opposite of my closet.

I jumped as I recognized her behind me.

"No", I whispered. "No."

"Long time no see", she smiled.

I didn't reply, looking at her from head to toe. She was perfection, her hair was as long as mine but it was way prettier, she wore casual clothes but was shining in them, she could literally wear anything and still look so good. And she was skinny. Skinnier than me, so skinny that I got jealous. She was all I wanted to be.

She was an old friend of mine, she had accompanied me since I had been 13 years old, but we had lost touch about some months ago.

"I see you've gained weight again"; she sighed. "Seriously, are you able to anything on your own? I'm gone for some months and you're turning into a fatso again? After everything we've worked for?"

"Go away", I hissed.

"I'm only here because you want me to be, you know that. I can only enter your head when you let me, and you obviously did right now. Feels kinda good to be back.", she answered. "But we have a lot of work to do, I guess you already know that."

"I don't need you. I promise I will lose more weight again, even more than I ever have. But please, let me alone", I begged.

"I will stay as long as I have to", she snapped. "Have you even seen yourself? You need me. You are nothing without me."

I looked at myself in the mirror again. She was right, I had gained weight. Even though I was trying everything to lose it again, it was still there. I was fat. And I knew that she was right. I was nothing without her.

Tears formed in my eyes, but I was able to hold them back.

"Go away", I repeated slowly and closed my eyes.

"Make me" she spit. "We both know that you can't. Why are you making it so complicated? You're better with me, we make a good team. We can do so much together."

She was right, but a part of me was still fighting against her. "I'm better alone", I whispered and opened my eyes again.

"You don't even believe that yourself.", she rolled her eyes.

"I do."

"Then why are you crying?"

Only then I recognized all the tears running down my cheeks, ending on my jawline, dripping on my shirt.

"Let me tell you why you are crying.", she said. "You're crying because you know that I am right. You know that it was wrong to cut me out the past months, you know how bad you're doing without me. Someone needs to show how it's done. Someone needs to pull you back on track. Look at you. Look at yourself. You are fat. You know why? Because you eat all the time, that's why. You need to get off your lard ass and do some exercise. It'll feel so much better than eating whatever the hell you were just thinking about. Don't eat. Don't you know what food is? It's just a nice way to see fat. Fat just sits around and makes you jiggly and unattractive. You know who likes fat ass girls? Nobody, especially Jonas doesn't. But you can't control yourself, can you? Whatever you see, you just put it in your stomach-"

"That's not true!", I hissed under tears.

"It so is! It fills the gap where your tigh gap would be if you were worthy having one. Just do yourself a favour. Don't ever eat. Do some exercise, drink some water. I promise it's way better than food. The cravings will pass, you already know that. Just don't eat. You'll be happier."

I  wasn't able to reply. Pressing my lips together, I kept staring at her.

"And now, repeat our eight reasons not to eat", she smiled. "Come on, I know that you remember them."

I didn't want to answer her question, but the words flipped out of my mouth too quickly.
"1: You will be fat if you eat today. Take another day off. 2: Skinny people fit everywhere, 3: Only fat people are attracted to fat people-"
I stopped since I didn't want her to think that I would obey her.

"Go on", she demanded.

Before I could argue, I continued: "4: Is food more important than happiness in life? 5: If I can name one reason to be fat, you can name a million and one to be thin. 6: Thin people look good in every kind of clothing, 7: Saying 'No, thanks' to food is saying 'Yes, please' to thin."

"And the last one?"

"You-", I cracked. "You don't need food."

"Perfect", she smiled. "I guess we can work we that."

"No", I hissed.

"Excuse me?"

"No", I repeated. "We won't work with that. I don't need you. I can do this on my own, just leave me alone!"

Her face turned red from anger: "You really think you're special, don't you? You should be thankful, fatass, everything you have is only there because of me."

"Liar", I snapped.

"Liar? Oh, do you want me to name an example? Let's start with your boyfriend. You've really been thinking he likes you for your character or anything like that? No, your character is so annoying. He likes you because of your skinniness, at least, he did. When you two became a thing you looked way better than you do now. Just to name on example.", she spit.

"Go. Away.", I said once more.

"You need me Alaska, you know you do!", she yelled.

"Go away!", I cried.

"I will never leave! I will always be there, in your thoughts, until you close your goddamn eyes forever!"

"Get out of my head!", I screamed at the top of my lungs.

"Alaska!"

I startled up, my face wet from all the tears, breathing heavily.

"Alaska!", my Dad exclaimed once more. He sat down on the border of bed and pulled me into a tight hug.
"Shh, it's going to be okay", he whispered calmly. "It was just a bad dream."

A dream? I looked around and found myself in my bed. I had never gotten up. I had never stood in front of the mirror with her.

I closed my eyes and leaned against his chest, calming down.

"Do you wanna talk about it?", he asked.

"She has to leave me alone", I whispered shakily.

"Who?"

I didn't reply, but we both knew the answer.
Ana.