So me and *concealed* have a very feverish friendship. I feel depressed and hurt and broken. I feel like crying all the time. I keep re-reading old entry's. I keep reliving old memories.
I feel like shit. My mind is screaming. I can't explain it. It feels like my soul is dying. I feel depressed and dead. It feels numb. Like everything I'm doing is an act.
Mum is gonna let me see a therapist. I'm starting to think it'd be good to see one. To get everything out and try to get help. I'm gonna try. Idk if it will work.
I feel emotionally dead. It's like on the inside, I'm sliding down the walls in silence and falling onto the floor in tears. It's like I can't breath. It's like being stuck in a constant hole of darkness. After fighting it for so long, it's like I've finally broken.
I keep shaking and wanting to cry. It used to be the urge to scream. The urge to scream and explode. Now it's the urge to stay silent.
Now it's the urge to get help.
I feel like the bad guy. The one that no one likes in a fairy tale. I keep wondering if I misplaced my cards and I can't find them again. I keep feeling like I'm a mistake.
The voices are back and are trying so hard to get into my head. And I'm already so weak it's almost impossible to not let them. I feel like I'm not really here. Like I'm just a ghost. The voices keep telling me to end it. To just let it go and let it eat me alive. I'm sweaty and fearful.
The voices keep trying to tell me I'm trash. Trying to convince me to fall back into the hole where I believe I'm not worth anything. I don't like that hole. It's cold and dark.
I don't like any of the holes I fall into. Yet I'm so clumbsy and weak I keep tripping, so dangerously towards the edge.
I wish I was a good person. I always believed I was, till I got older and things started getting to me.
I'm tired of feeling so alone. Dan and Phil help for the time being but they only prospone the actual pain till it builds so much it crashes through the walls I worked so hard to build.
I'm tired of rebuilding walls. I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm emotionally dead. It's built and built and built. I feel I've dug myself such a deep hole I may not be able to get out. I was just so scared to tell any adult. They would have never beleived their daughter was holding so much. So much guilt and pain and hurt. So much death.
But while they faught, and blamed and divorced, their daughter was slowly dying. It's like I'm trapped.
And the girl who used to not care what anyone said became the girl who beleived every bad thing and faught aghinst the good.
My spirit slowly died. There's nothing I can do but call out one last time.
Help.
11-10-17
