I wasn't born with depression or anxiety. I remember being a child who was excited to explore the world, who loved people and loved myself. I remember how I used to be so proud of who I was. How I used to state proudly that God created me how he saw fit. That was so long ago. I can still see that happy little girl in my memory but now it's all tainted with black and white, tears and pain filled eyes.
Most of my life I grew up being told that I needed to change everything. That I ate to much, I needed to lose weight. I needed to wear different clothes. I needed makeup to not have a boy face. I needed to change my hair. I stunk and should take more showers. And no matter how hard I fought it, those words kept coming. Bullet after bullet pushing me down and injuring me. That was just my physical self.
I was called bossy, ugly, fat, annoying, clingy, depressing, dramatic. By family and friends.
I started to feel myself crumble. I started noticing more self conscious spaces. I started seeing more issues in myself that needed changing. I don't fully remember the night I snapped and broke completely, but I do remember laying down and my brain just telling me "you're absolute garbage who doesn't deserve to live." I broke down crying to hard I passed out from dehydration.
I went through a faze of extremely bad suicidal thoughts. I was sinking further and further into this darkness. I didn't want to live, I didn't want to wake up the next morning with a beating heart. I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear and never return. I didn't want to bother people by wasting the space that someone else could fill better. I was trapped and alone for months, staying locked in my room away from human contact. I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to be called dramatic. That's all I ever was. Dramatic.
It took me a long time to find light again. And I'm still struggling to stay above the surface. My anxiety of being all those things, of ruining the Good things I have going for me now by being a complete and utter mess haunts me. It stands over my shoulder, whispering in my ear and watching me crumble. I feel like I'm falling through a hole, one where there's no ledges to grab on to and it has no bottom. It's endless falling.
I'm curled into a ball, trying to close my ears to block it out when I realize you can't block the voice of your own mind. I'm trying to distract myself but nothing works as a distraction anymore. I'm searching for any possible comfort but my trust issues and problems are building up on my shoulders pushing me further down. It's like I'm screaming to myself but I'm not making a sound. Words get drowned out by the sounds inside my head. Memories are clinging to me like wet sand. How will I ever be someone good enough to keep around when all the improvements I felt that I made got knocked down by people once again? I don't know where to go from here and I'm sinking. I can't escape my own mind and it's absolute Torture. I'm screaming for help but no one hears my pleads.
Anxiety's soffocatrng. Self hatred bogs you so far down you can't see the light anymore. I'm not even sure I'll learn to love myself again. But I will try.
