Death is a very depressing time for many people. Death is a strong beaning that will take you in its arms and trap you away for forever. Death is a sodden burden that many people carry daily on their backs and the weight just gets heavier and heavier. Time doesn't heal. Time gives you longer to get over past events to eventually forget. Time is like a stab in the heart with a knife with every year that passes by without you.
So what is death? Death is a terrible darkness that hangs over those who suffer. Death takes even the best people from the world in its clutches and snuffs out their light.
There lives a light as well though. A strong, beautiful light called angels.
What are angels? I believe angels live among and as common people just like me and you. I believe God places an angel in every persons life. My angel was a sweet old lady that has taken care of me since before I could walk. That has watched over me and led me down the right path. That has talked to me about anything and everything for hours even when I was being a jerk. Someone who has believed in me my entire life. Someone who has been proud of every step I've taken good or bad. Someone who made a bad choice to smoke in her young age that caused her to become weak in her old one.
Her time is ending. I must have faith that God will take her home. Remove the burden of suffering and replace it with wings for her to continue to watch over me for the rest of my life. She is the best person I've ever known, my grandma. And even once she's gone, her light will always live on in my heart. Her light will always inspire me to do the best that I can. Her light will always inspire me to stand for what I believe in and be who I am. Her light and spirit will help guide me through the rest of my life.
My heart hurts greatly to loose someone so important. But one must not hold that against God, for he is just doing his job. She came and made everyone around her feel better and special. She took care of and touched every single soul she met. I've been fighting for years not to loose her. But something in my heart tells me it's time to set her free. And that if God decides to take her home this time, it is ok for me to let myself be ok. Tis does not make it any easier, but faith lets me walk burden less and helps me to understand why it is that we must set our loved ones free.
Grandma always told me that I should be me. That I should stay a happy, bouncy girl with love in her heart and understanding and compassion for those I meet. Which might not always be easy, but is the right thing to do.
In this hard time, I have been reflecting on the past memories with her, trying to focus on the hundreds of good times instead of the bad. She was an amazing woman. And she will fight until she thinks she's ready to leave. I will keep her memory alive in my heart and morn till time takes its toll. But there is only so much time can do once you loose a loved one. Only so much healing.
She will never be forgotten in those who knew her most. And shall always be a thought in those she met briefly. We were extremely lucky to have her for as long as we did. I was extremely lucky to have her. I love her so much. And I will miss her more then words can express.
But just because I can not see her, does not mean she won't be there. I can feel her. I can hear her voice. I can picture her in my mind. She's always with me. Even if she's not yet gone. I can see her smiling down at me right now. Even tho she is not yet gone. I can feel her next to me, beaming with pride and watching me try to be ok with this. Even tho she is not yet gone.
I love you grandma. And dear God, please take care of her. You have yourself and amazing angel coming to you when you call her home.
9-6-18
