Sometimes it feels like I'm doing everything in my power to keep myself from drowning. Like waves keep crashing over my head before I get even a second to break the surface and breathe. I keep getting dragged back under the icy water, freezing and soaking me to the bone. Is it just me? Maybe my fighting chance to stay above the surface has vanished just like my breath over the top of the water during a crisp morning. Very few rays of sunlight peak through the curtains behind my eyes, trying to shine into the cold empty space of loneliness.
All you ever hear anymore are the words "you're fine. Keep fighting." But they have no idea how hard it is to keep kicking to break the surface when the bottoms been swept from under your feet. Like I'm walking on eggshells around myself, tiptoeing and trying not to crush them beneath my toes. I don't want to send myself over board but my mind is stuffed with fog, suffocating my every thought.
Suffocation. A word typically used to describe choking or not being able to get air in. Not being able to breathe. I can't breathe. My anxiety is a weight on my chest, pushing me down and pressuring me to stay in my shell. A constant chain of voices swimming around my head, tripping me. Causing my hands to shake my heart to throb. My entire body isn't under my control anymore to the point it's left completely to the antagonists command.
Isolation. A word used to describe someone or something that's been secluded. I seclude myself. Shoving myself out of people's ways, staying to myself and keeping my lips silent. Locking myself in my room just to fall apart on the floor. No, I don't want to fall apart in front of others. I squeeze my arms around my body trying oh so desperately to keep the pieces from falling off my soul but I can't hold my entire self. Not when all my mind yearns for is to explode.
Self hatred. A dark shadow that hangs over my head. A cloud that covers my eyes and shows me the image I hate the most. A dent in my confidence or lack of. An unstable
bomb I planted in my own heart, one incredibly touchy. I try to make myself numb because when the voices cloud in I'd rather not feel anything at all. A murder of someone's personality. A strangled yell for help gets lost in the sea of tears and choked back by the voices that were so falsely led. Leading you to your own plank.
Depression.
Suicide.
Self worthlessness
Drowning
Anger
Post trauma
Self image
Discussing
Attention
Dramatic
Dreams
Hope
Yelling
Mistakes
Monster..
All negative words to me. Things that drag me under and send me spiraling. The very things that weigh me down, push me face first into the concrete and slam my head into it once more. I cry for help.
My words go unnoticed.
