Ok so this is for my crush. Im not good with words, and quite frankly I'm not good at talking period. But I am good at writing so i've been told, so its time I put some of my thoughts and feelings into words.. here goes nothing.
I broke up with you. I know. I regret that with every fiber of my soul. I felt ignored- forgotten. I was never spoken to, never noticed. Like I fazed out of reality and no one seemed to care. So I acted. I felt caged- like I did not matter anymore, like I was not important. I tried to speak, but my voice was silenced. I was alone, and fighting to stay above the surface.
I felt like I was the only one fighting to keep our relationship alive. It was my first real relationship, i wanted it too work. I tried. So hard but it was not enough.
So when it came the next day, I kept my head down and eyes on the ground. I was ashamed- hurt. I left it alone and avoided the situation for a long time. The silence became a quiet buzz in the background. Something you get so used to you don't notice it till you think about it.
A small shimmer of light peeked through the rain. I was walking, seeing you with a cluttered paper and a agitated expression. Thats the first time I really thought about the buzz. The low humm in the back of my mind. One voice- it said, 'go, talk to him. Fix it.' I was stupid, because I ignored it.
That same voice appeared once more, and again, and again. The entire period seemingly making me want to change everything. I just could not make myself do it and I hated myself for it.
That last time- the time my feet took control and followed my heart before my head could process what was happening- I made my way to the boy in the corner.
The first time in months, I spoke to him. I simply asked if he needed help with his math, or if he wanted to work with me because I was pretty good at the ones we were doing that day. He smiled and shook his head no. I struck up a conversation- small and playful, asking about math but I think we both knew there was more. It felt like an hour but was nearly a few seconds before the bell rung and we made our way back to our classes.
I took a breath and stared across the room out the window. I had not realized how fast my heart was beating- nor the speed of my breath. I composed myself, breathing in deeply so I did not hyperventilate. I was numb from fear, and happiness. That day, I went home with a dumb smile on my face.
The next day I tried to talk to you. You seemed annoyed, and any hope I had, shattered. So once again I pushed away the butterflies and ignored the sparks. Little did I know, that day set a chain of events that would leave me awe struck. It also lead to a lot of thought.
When we took our tests, sat right next to each other, I found it hard to ignore the voice telling me to talk to you- to fix everything. But I did. That was a mistake, for now that started something more powerful. The feelings got stronger- almost demanding. That day when I returned home, it hit me like a bull- I was the reason we broke up. I was clingy and demanding. I was annoying and caused you to back out. Then I got mad at you.
Let me just say, I'm sorry. That was wrong of me, and I'm truly sorry. Took me to long to figure it out, but I was quick to admit my mistake. It hurts me to think about it- to finally know what my problem was.
Since then, I've been remembering everything.
Our first date- we went to see the movie trolls. I was excited for weeks. We spent the whole time laughing and making jokes about the movie. The moment she sung hello darkness, when you laughed so loudly and I laughed at you.
The times we held hands. Your hands were always so warm against mine. Yes, you did make me nervous. I will admit. I was scared id mess it up. My hands were a bit sweaty, mainly from fear of making a mistake and from fear that they would get sweaty. (I seriously have issues)
When we went out to see a movie with your dad, and went to Rigsby's. we spent the whole time in the game room- us both huge nerds. We also took pictures in the photo booth. We ate pizza, and joked around a bit. That was fun. Your dad and his girlfriend went to see a different movie, and me and you saw a super hero one. We sat in the back, you almost got kicked by a guy that climbed over the seat. I laid my head on your shoulder. I have to admit, it was hard to focus on the movie. You are to adorable.
My dad took us to see Star Wars. The entire movie was long and painful, but you were there so I was fine. I was with my two favorite boys, what more could I ask for.
My favorite memory, your birthday party. We spent a good 4 hours watching movies, playing video games. (Your bed is extremely soft.) durning one movie, I had my head on your chest and could hear your heart beat. That, was amazing. I felt safe. Your family is so nice, so funny and easy going. You schooled me in halo and COD, but hey it was fun to watch you be so happy.
The best memory's, all I'm able to think about lately. They are great- some of the best I've ever had. I miss you. More then words can say, more then feelings can express. I messed up, I'm sorry. I miss your laugh, your smile. I miss your jokes and how you would mess with me then smile lovingly. Im a sucker for you, and I've fallen hard. I know you warned me not to fall for you, but honey I've fallen harder then Annabeth did for Percy. (Oh yes, I really did just make a pun)
I know you may not feel the same, and I'm sorry but I'm not sorry that I've fallen for you. Because your a pretty amazing person. So in all honesty, id take you back in a heart beat. Im just wondering if you would be there to catch me.
........... I'm not sorry. I needed to get this out. I just wish he would read it. People can dream. Later guys.
