This is really random, but I need to explain this. So please listen. This is directed at everyone that was involved in the drama that happened earlier in the year. I just finally have a calmer brain to explain.
Ok so, I know it's not my place to say anything to people. But I keep seeing my friends post videos of them vaping or talking about smoking and stuff like that and it breaks my heart to see so many people wasting their lives.
Like, it's not cool. Sure it looks cool, and I will admit I was interested in those water vapor things but without the drug in it. I was interested cause all the different flavors they had, till I did research and found out they cause popcorn lung and I was like, yeah no never mind.
But so many people die from that kind of thing. And no one listens. They just keep doing it to show off. And it breaks my heart to see so many people risking their lives on crap like that.
This was my issue with Trent and his smoking thing. It's not that I was entirely giving up on him. I don't think he's a good person cause I've seen one person's choices destroy other people. But if Bethany is right, which I know good influences can change people too. But it's very hard too.
My grandma, when she was a teenager, she use to have to light her sisters cigarettes because they could not. My grandma got so use to the smell she started smoking too because she was around it so much. Now she struggles to breath all the time, she has so many things wrong with her the doctors can't find half of it, and I've had to see her rushed to the emergency room countless times.
I'm scared that will happen to any of you. You have to see, trent was one of my closest friends. I loved him to death, you know that. But just, to many things didn't add up with him. And I care more about you guys then anything. And don't say it won't happen. Because anything can happen. Peer pressure is real. You know that.
I'm not trying to stop you from being his friend. If I'm honest, I don't even really care anymore. His choices aren't my decision. When I was angry, it wasn't because I was upset. I know you guys thought I was just hurt by him. Which yes, was true. I was hurt. But it was because he was the guy I've had a crush on since 6th grade. But when he disappeared, so did that crush. So no, I wasn't that badly hurt. I was angry. I was angry that he kept treating girls like play toys. I was angry that he kept splitting my friends in half and leaving me in the dust because everyone took his side. "Oh poor Cassidy, that pitiful puppy." I was angry because I trusted him and he let me down again. I stood up for him on countless occasions. To my family, to people who bullied him, to teachers. He was my best friend. And he stabbed me in the back.
Now do you finally understand?
No, I'm not asking to pick sides. I'm just explaining myself better because I'm a lot calmer about it now. And it's better to understand when I'm not screaming, crying or insulting him constantly huh?
What brought this up, is I was reading my old wattpad entries yesterday. And I just started thinking how I never really explained myself that well. I never really gave a good explanation. And I'm sorry for that. If I had, maybe half of this could have been avoided.
And amber? She was the same way. My parents never liked her. She was annoying and rude. They always complained about her. But, she was my friend and I stuck by her and defended her from every insult. But she stabbed me in the back too. That just hurt, so much. I had two of my best friends stab me in the same wound. And then all my friends thinking I was a pitiful baby that could not take being broken up with. My depression started eating me alive, flaring up to my suicidal thoughts coming back. My anxiety started giving me panic attacks out of no where. I started feeling like the bad guy after everything that happened. It started getting so bad, I asked my mum for a therapist. I was scaring myself.
*insert name* was terrified for me. So was *insert name*. Even *insert name*, before he knew me that well he'd see me in art class hiding my face cause I kept breaking down and he told me before that I was scaring him before he even knew me. My teachers kept asking if I was ok cause I looked dead. *first insert name* said my eyes looked so dead she thought she lost me.
I'm not mad at y'all anymore. I just thought you needed an explanation. A real one.
I don't care what he does. And yes, I agree he needs people to lead him on the right path. I just can't do that. Not after everything. And it scares me that y'all might get lead the wrong way and I don't want that to happen. But I guess if it will help him get lead right, then y'all can try. I won't stop you. I worry for him too tbh. I miss him sometimes. We were so close. But I just can't.. help him. As much as I hate to say it, I can't help him. But if you can for me, tell him goodluck. Don't give him context, just say an old friend says goodluck.
And please, do try to help him and please try not to get lead down a wrong path. I do worry for all of you. I feel so much better now that I explained that. And now that one of my friends understands my reasons. Maybe I can finally be fully at peace with that part of my life. I just could not fully let go of it when I knew my friends never really understood. I knew that part of my life would always haunt me until something was done and I finally didn't feel like that bad guy.
And no, I was not trying to re-open old wounds or bring back old drama. I was simply explaining myself to those I thought deserved it.
Stay happy not crappy, life's a bitch don't quit. Peace out my little music notes. 😉
