Is there a way to explain the physical pain in your heart when you're so low you can't pick yourself back up? Is there a way to describe the black cloud that funnels through your eyes and holds you a prisoner in your own mind? What about a way to prove how it's physically difficult to get your lips to move when you're shaking so bad, feeling like you're about to implode on yourself when you're in full blown panic mode?
Anxiety is impossible to explain to people who have never actually experienced it. Depression is also, because everyone just thinks it's sadness. But it's so much more.
When you're stuck on the floor, arms wrapped around yourself so tightly, trying to hold yourself together because you feel as if you let go you will fall into pieces. You shake so bad your teeth chatter. You can't get words out, can't get your mind to slow down.
12-2-19
There's a moment, when you feel a shard of confidence flow through your system. It provides a glimmer of light, just a flash and you think, just keep moving forward. You'll make it to that light!
But the light doesn't want to be caught, so in pitch black you run forward, thinking just a little further and you're there! But you can't see the light anymore, and it keeps running the same way in front of you. Everyone knows the speed of light is humanly impossible to catch. You can only imagine the struggle.
Exhaustion hangs over me like a misted dread I just can't shake off. It suffocates me like a thick humidity that clouds the air. It's a swirling sea of thoughts and sentences and things you wish you could change but you can't. It swirls faster and faster, sucking you down and sucking all oxygen out of your lungs—
I can't breathe. I'm weighed down by my own self-conscious and the chains that bond me and hold me hostage to the person I used to be. The past, the inevitable, the future- it all surrounds me like electric fence that bugs out and shocks you just to give you a zap. I'm wearing a shock caller and depression holds the remote- I can't stop the feeling of awful dread and fear that hangs over me- it's like lifting up the sky and holding the world on my shoulders- it's like carrying my own weight but offering to take everyone else's too- it's biting off more than I could possibly hold in my body at any given time- it's this everlasting crushing feeling that sinks into my bones, that works my muscles that keeps my mind awake every night and won't let me get any rest.
I'm EXHAUSTED. I'm holding my entire world and others on my back at once, my hands are full yet I still accept others baggage. I'm always tired, I'm always droopy. My mind is so out of it I'm using every bit of strength I have in my body just to keep it working so it can work the rest of my body. I'm on autopilot, I'm wandering around hoping I say the right thing when in reality I really don't know what's coming out of my mouth.
Im plunging into the sea I'm swimming and watching every fish and creature swim with me. Deeper and deeper. I see all the trash, I'm reminded of the inevitable destruction of humanity and then I'm falling. I'm falling through the water- not falling, being pulled through the water. Something's latched onto my wrists, it's pulling me down- it's the chains- my emotional baggage on the other end weighting me down. It's plan is to suffocate and drown me this time.
Struggling is pointless. My body is worn and tired. I've got barely any strength left in my limbs.
I finally conform with its pain and suffrage and let my lungs fill with water.
I can't win.
