The Dream Is Not Over

The D Word

River sits down, digging into his meal and Lindsey and I are just standing there with dumb looks on our faces.

"River...aren't you a little young?" Lindsey says and for the first time in months, I agree with him.

"How old were you, when you got married? Eighteen? I'm nineteen, almost twenty." The boy has a point. He was always a master negotiator, always seeming to get an extra cookie after dinner or getting to stay up to finish a movie on tv on a school night as a youngster.

"It was a different time!" Lindsey argues.

"And mom was pregnant with me."

"No, we had just had you." My palm crashes into my forehead. He's digging a hole.

"So I have to get her pregnant to marry her? Perfect logic, dad." River continues to eat and I look to Lindsey, urging him to come up with something else.

"We haven't even met her!"

"I know, but what I feel is real."

"How long have you known her?"

"Does that matter? Mom always used to talk about that night at the youth club gathering, looking into your eyes and falling in love with you instantly. You guys sang one song together and that was it."

"Good one, Steph. Why did you have to tell him that?" Lindsey says and I look right at him. His eyes widen and he backs down. He knows I'm angry.

"Listen here, Buckingham, I told him that story because that was when I knew we would be together forever." I shout.

"That story is bullshit now" Lindsey fires back and River looks up at us.

"Only because you want to sow your wild oats somewhere else!"

"I have never once cheated on you and if I had, who could blame me? Who wants to sow wild oats in a dried up, barren field?!" I gasp and step away from him. "Stephanie, I'm sorry." He reaches for me and I walk farther away from him. I find myself in the living room, and don't even bother pouring myself another glass of wine. I pick up the bottle I chug it like frat boys guzzle cheap beer. I put it down to catch my breath, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. Lindsey follows me. "Can you put it down?" He takes the bottle from my hand and puts it back onto the coffee table. I sit down on the couch in tears, looking at the small collection of family pictures on the last page. We were perfect together but something changed. I can't even put my finger on what exactly.

River stands in the doorway of the kitchen. "What's going on?" he asks innocently and I look up at my beautiful boy.

"I don't know" I say honestly.

"I've never seen this happen before. Are you guys...?"

I can almost see the D word hanging in the air. I shake my head. "I don't know" I repeat.

"You don't know?" His eyes become grey, just like his father's when he's upset. "You guys are made for each other."

"We were" Lindsey replies. Were.

"What's going to happen?"

"Don't worry about this right now, baby. We will be fine. I want to focus on you."

"Right." Lindsey agrees. "If you're free tomorrow night, maybe we can have dinner together. Bring Olivia to the house and I'm sure your mother will make a beautiful meal for us all to enjoy."

"You guys won't be in the studio?" River asks. He's grown up with us always going on tour or being in the studio his entire life. He's very accommodating, always appreciating when we can make it to a game, or swim meet rather than resenting us when we can't.

"Your mother was only there for two weeks anyway." Lindsey says flippantly and I grit my teeth, trying not to start another fight.

"Okay" River says slowly. It's as if he's trying to gauge the mood of the impending dinner based on what's going on here, now. Lindsey walks over to River and hugs him first. He whispers something in our son's ear and River chuckles. The moment Lindsey is out of the way, I wrap my arms around my baby boy.

"I love you" I tell him.

"I love you too, mom."

He pulls back and I look up into his eyes. "I know I'm not thrilled about this now but you're a smart boy...man." I correct. "If you really love her and you are positive she's the one, I know I'm going to adore my new daughter-in-law."

River smiles and hugs me again. "Thanks for the food."

"You're welcome. Any time."

"I have a paper due soon so I gotta jet."

"Don't work too hard, and call me when you get home, okay? I want to make sure you're safe."

"I will. See you tomorrow." He kisses my forehead and claps his father on the shoulder before leaving again.

The door shuts and I exhale heavily. "I can't believe he's getting married." I look to Lindsey and he half-laughs.

"Yeah, neither can I. You'd think he'd know better."

"And what does that mean?" I cross my arms over my chest.

"Isn't it obvious?" He motions to me. "Marriage blows."

"Oh, it does, does it?"

Lindsey's handsome features twist into an expression I've never seen before. He looks like a stranger in front of me. He doesn't speak, he just leaves. I sit back on the floor where I began my evening. I carefully take River's flower from the pages of my photo album, putting it on the table before picking up the book and throwing it as hard as I can. It hits the wall and the photos come unglued, floating through the air like feathers before settling on the floor. A sob escapes my lips and I lift the nearly empty wine bottle, finishing the rest of its contents before pulling myself up to put the rest for the food away and go to bed alone.