The Dream Is Not Over

Children Get Older

The rest of the weekend is awkward to say the least. Lindsey avoids me like the plague, only acknowledging me to kiss me good night before we fall asleep facing opposite directions. My only glimmers of happiness are telling the kids the plan Lindsey and I had about paying for a few things to make it easier on them and going shopping with Olivia. We look at dresses for a while but are eventually lured away to look at jewelry.

Saying goodbye to them is especially hard because I know I will be lonely again. Maybe I should get a dog too. It might give me something to nurture until the baby comes. The baby...I have yet to tell Lindsey. He's spending more time at the studio finishing the record and it's due for release soon. We have a promotional photo shoot coming up and I'm dreading them. It could go very well or it could go very badly. With Lindsey and I, it's always a gamble.

It's been three days since my doctor's appointment. I'm eight weeks pregnant and the news is both incredibly exciting and incredibly scary. I spend my days journaling, crying or playing piano until I'm tired enough to nap or hungry enough to eat. River, Olivia and I finally set a date for the engagement party and it's in three weeks. It gives them enough time to buy clothes and gives me enough time to make it perfect for them. It would be much easier if Lindsey were her to help me. He's very good with plans and helping me check things off my list. I miss him.

I get up the courage to call him, walking to the phone and waiting to put in the extension. He picks up right away but he's talking to someone else too.

"Hello? Is this the pizza guy? I've given you directions twice, buddy. Are you not from around here?"

"Lindsey, it's me."

"Oh" he says, as if he's disappointed it's me. "What do you need?"

"Nothing, I just..."

"Stevie, I'm busy."

"I know you are, and I'm sorry to bother you but—"

"I have to go." he presses and I sigh.

"Please come home, I really need to talk to you."

"Is it important?"

"It is to me."

"Can it wait?" He's irritated and I feel utterly defeated by this exchange.

"Yeah, Linds, I guess it can."

"Cool. Talk later." He hangs up and I put the phone down.

I'm pissed off but I'm also heartbroken. I know that going down there will just end up in another fight and I don't want to stress myself out. The phone rings and I pull myself from my thoughts long enough to answer.

"Hello"

"Hey" he says.

"I thought you were busy, Lindsey?"

"I just called to tell you that Big Love is going to be released next month."

"Okay" I say, no emotion in my voice at all.

"That's it?"

"What else do you want from me? Are you trying to fight, because I'm not in the mood."

"Stevie, I just wanted to make sure it was okay, or that you were okay. I'm a dog, I get it. I just...nevermind."

"No, you just, what?"

"I don't want you to hate me, okay? That matters to me."

"I don't hate you. I'm scared for people to hear it, I admit that but hopefully people see it as a collaboration instead of what it is."