The Dream Is Not Over

I Don't Deserve You

"You do know the drinking age is twenty one now, don't you, Linds?" I tease, watching both of my boys sitting at the table drinking a beer. They're so alike- the dark curls, the blue-grey eyes, golden skin, the penchant for tight denim and boots. They lean back in their chairs, doing that thing I hate that raises them up so they are just sitting on the back two legs. I always think one of them is going to fall. "Four on the floor, please" I scold and they each huff and put their chairs down in a strangely synchronized fashion.

"Trippy!" Olivia says, sounding completely astonished as she watches it play out before her.  "I guess it's true what they say. If you want to see what your husband will be like in twenty years, look at his father."

"Babe, come here." River motions for Olivia to sit on his lap and she does so carefully. "God, you're gorgeous." he praises and she giggles, smiling lovingly at her. He's so much like his father. He's smooth, making a woman melt with just a look or a simple phrase. Lindsey looks proud, standing up and putting his beer on the counter.

"Steph, can we talk outside?" he asks, motioning to the kitchen door. We have a pool and a small rose garden out there.

"Sure." He opens the door and I head out, Lindsey following right after me. He shuts the door and presses me into the side of the house, kissing my lips passionately. I'm stunned but in the best way. My arms go up around his neck and he caresses my side, kissing down my neck. He suddenly stops and events his gaze. "What?"

"I'm sorry...I shouldn't have. I've just...I can't control myself around you and I've been wanting to do that all day."

"It's okay. It felt good." He looks adorably shy and I stroke his face. "You know we're going to be okay, right? We've hit a rough patch but we're going to be fine."

"You think?"

"I know." He nods, smiling. "Did you bring me out here just to kiss me or...?"

"No, I wanted to talk about River and Olivia. They're off campus now and I worry about money. They obviously don't have a lot. River said his job is ending soon and it didn't pay much to begin with. Olivia works book return at the bookstore on campus and when she's not doing that, she's working at a local diner in town...I'm scared for them."

"Me too." I admit, especially after hearing of their circumstances.

"I want to pay for their wedding."

"Of course, that's a no brainer."

"But I also want to pay their rent, just until they get on their feet. We paid for his room on campus and I feel like it's only right—"

"Definitely" I say, cutting him off. "And maybe we could help furnish their apartment. I wonder if they have a wish list?"

"We could ask. So you're really on board?"

"He's my son and she's going to be his wife. I know what it's like to struggle, we both do. Now that we can do this, I want to help them. Marriage is hard enough without having to worry about money."

"Don't I know it!" he exclaims and I bite my lip. Tears well up in my eyes and he puts his hands up. "Angel, I'm sorry. That's not what I meant."

"Oh, isn't it? I seem to remember you saying 'marriage blows'."

"I was being an asshole. Please, I'm sorry. I love being married to you, I just..."

"What?"

"I don't know...I just feel like I don't deserve you." he says quietly, going back inside the house. The door shuts and I have to will myself not to cry. My hand finds my stomach and though I'm definitely not showing yet, there is some comfort there. We'll be fine, I know we will, I tell myself just as I had told him. I repeat it silently as I rejoin the group. Lindsey is withdrawn, standing by the window in the living room while the love birds are whispering, stealing kisses and giggling. These are my two realities. I smile sadly at my son and Olivia, walking into the living room. My heels hit the wood floor and I see him visibly tense. I continue toward him and I place my hands on his shoulders. I begin to gently massage them but he shrugs my hands off him.

"I'm sorry" I whisper, my forehead resting on his back.

"For what?" His tone hurts but it shows just how sad and conflicted he is.

"I love you. I want to work this out."

"Me too but I feel like fraud."

"A fraud, but why?" He whips around to face me, nearly knocking me off balance.

"Everyone thinks everything is great. We've been married for a long time, we have a great kid, lots of money and great careers for the most part but you outsell me, Stevie. People like you more than me and they just put up with me because we are a package deal. They want you."

"Lindsey, where is this coming from?"

"I don't know. This whole week that thought just won't leave me alone."

"Can I help, or am I the problem?" I ask and he doesn't answer. "I want to be here for you, and I really need you to be here for me. I'm—"

"I think I need some air." He walks away from me, hurrying up the stairs. I look back into the kitchen, tears streaming down my cheeks and I see Lindsey and I from years ago. He's right, they're us and seeing them is just another painful reminder that we may never be like that again.