The Dream Is Not Over

I Need To Know

The car in the yard is taken away, the hydrant is taken care of and Lindsey is cited, ordered to pay a decent fine as well as possibly appearing in court. I'm worried about him, and I feel an intense urge to take care of him.

After breakfast, he grows a little distant and so do I. I keep going back and forth in my mind and I know I'm sending him mixed signals. He doesn't deserve that, to feel as if he can get close one moment while being pushed away the next. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm very overwhelmed.

I head up to my bedroom and lay in bed, journaling. It's late in the afternoon and beyond just needing a little rest, I need to get my feelings out. Page after page is either a sloppy mess from my brain moving faster than my pen or tear stained. Lindsey is taking a walk and when I hear the door open and close downstairs, I find myself getting excited that he's returned. I hear his boots on the floor, growing closer to my room and I close my book, placing my pen between the pages. I smile immediately at the sight of him. I suppose this is the mixed signal I'm talking about. I want to hug him, I want to be close, I want to kiss him and ask him to lay down with me. He smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes and mine falters slightly.

"Hey, are you alright?"

"Not really, Steph. I think I might go back to my place tonight." I'm caught off guard, my eyes widening. For some reason, I thought with his car practically totaled, he'd be staying, at least for a little while. "I don't want to get in your way anymore than I have. I've been eating your food and using your towels..."

"You've done that for over twenty years, Lindsey." I say in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"But this time it's different. You shouldn't have to take care of me. If we are trying to go slow and not have this blow up in our faces..." He stops, rubbing his forehead. I pat the bed, trying to scoot over to make room for him and he shakes his head.

"Lindsey, I know you need some time to think, and I understand. We were having a terrible fight just last night that could have killed us and now...well, I don't know what happening now but I can tell you what I want to work toward." He finally agrees to sit and he leans into me automatically. I smile, it feels just like old times. "I want to work on our communication issues, my trust issues and your feelings of unworthiness. You shouldn't feel that way and you shouldn't suffer alone. I love you, I have always loved you. I want to be here for you. I know I scare you because as soon as I get the physical connection I want, I get scared too and I push you away but I'm trying to stop. I'm afraid of this blowing up in our faces too but our top priority right now has to be our kids. River's getting married to a great girl and you and I are creating life." I take his hand and place it over my stomach. He smiles and I lay my hands over his.

"I love this baby so much already, Steph. It almost feels like a fresh start. We have a chance to do what we did with River, all over again. We were inseparable and though we were never without a little bickering, we always made up and we always made sure we understood each other. I think over the years, we got busy...or lazy, and we just didn't bother to fix it anymore. That's life on the road, I guess, but I can't let this new baby go through what I'm sure our son is going through right now."

I nod. "I would really like to talk to him, and see if he's okay. He hasn't seen either of us since before our fight and I worry about him."

"Me too."

"He hadn't seen us fight at all until he came to tell us about Olivia. Don't you remember seeing how confused and shocked he was? He also told me that even though it embarrassed him, he was happy that we were so lovey-dovey because the house felt warm. There was a lot of love here and now, he said it just feels..." I bow my head, feeling the tears coming. "He said he doesn't feel that anymore and it breaks my heart. What happened to us, Linds?" He kisses the top of my head and wraps an arm around me.

"Like I said, I think we just stopped communicating and leaving our problem-solving for later. Later never came." I bury my head in his chest, sinking deeper into his arms and he strokes my hair. "Don't cry, baby. I hate to see you cry."

"I know, I'm sorry." I wipe my eyes but I can't control it. I'm sad and I'm scared for the future. "I just want us to be happy and be able to celebrate. There's going to be a wedding in a few months and a new baby...I'm tired of being sad all the time."

"I know, and I am too."

"I wish your apartment wasn't a thing, you know, a done deal." I sob and he loosens his grip on me.

"It's not, I have 30 days." he reveals and I sniffle.

"What?"

"I only said it was a done deal but it's not. I have a total of 30 days to get out of my contract."

"So...uh, what..." I can't think or form a sentence. I have so many questions.

"That means I have around a week or so to leave." I sit up straighter and try to calm my tears. "Tell me what you want, Steph. I need to know."

"I don't want to rush, I don't want us to fall back into old habits but-"

"But...?"

"I want you to come back, Lindsey. I don't want to do any of this without you by my side."

Lindsey smile and his eyes become bright. He nods and I smile through my tears, anticipating his answer. "Okay."