The Dream Is Not Over

Silver Lining

I finally pull myself off the floor and I don't know how long it's been. I feel lost, disoriented and my mouth is dry. I brace myself on the wall as I walk toward the stairs, holding on for dear life. I make it into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of lemon water from the pitcher in the fridge. I take a sip but I immediately start to heave. I put my glass down, tears in my eyes and wait a moment for my stomach to settle. I wipe my eyes and try again. It works much better this time and I thank whoever is up there. I go through the fridge to find one of my last low fat yogurts, open it up and drizzle honey all over it. I grab a spoon and audibly moan when I take my first bite. I lean against the counter, each little spoonful better than the last. I think back to my pregnancy with River and I couldn't touch any sweets at all. Juice, ice cream, and practically any dessert I would normally like, would disinterest me if it didn't just make me sick.

"Hm. Could you be a girl this time?" I ask the baby. I'm ten weeks pregnant and this baby is my best friend, even if it's making my stomach a little temperamental. One day, something will stay down and the next, that same food will come up. C'est la vie. I haven't leaned much on friends just yet. I want to make it through the first trimester before I involve anyone, even though I've been trying to tell Lindsey any chance I could get.

—-

The next few days go well and I can almost forget that Lindsey won't be home. I tell myself he's on a trip and he will be back any day now. That helps me get through. With no one to talk to, I talk to the baby. I know it can't hear me but otherwise, I would go completely stir crazy in my house. The other day, I talked to the Mediterranean delivery driver for over a half hour. He got a huge tip and left with a cup of coffee, promising to bring back my mug.

I finally sit down to eat and put my feet up when River calls. Finally, some human interaction.

"Hey, mama!" he says enthusiastically.

"Hey, baby. You sound happy! How are you?"

"I'm great. Just got back from shopping with dad. We found the best grey suits, mom, with sage colored bow ties." I grimace, knowing for sure Lindsey had chosen it.

"That sounds wonderful, honey."

"I cannot wait to see you. Olivia's parents can't make it but when we come back, we will have dinner with them."

"See, silver lining!"

"Exactly. So how are you? You're not still sick, are you? Dad said the last time you two spoke, you almost passed out again."

"I'm fine, I just have these little...spells." I pat my belly knowing that isn't entirely true but I know River tells his father everything and that's not how I want Lindsey to discover my pregnancy.

"Are you sure? Maybe I should come stay with you."

"You can't, you have school. I'm already pulling you away for a silly party."

"It's not silly. Liv and I are so excited. She keeps talking about the dress she found and how excited she is to get to spend more time with you. I think she might love you just as much as I do."

"Aww, well I love her too." I'm quiet for a moment. "So your father was talking about me?"

"Mom..."

"What? It's a natural question."

"I know but..." He sighs. "He told me about the apartment and how upset you were when he came by to get his stuff. I told him he's an idiot for not telling you himself before springing it on you. He should have at least met up with you, or called to make sure things were okay before barreling into the house and taking a bunch of stuff."

"Yeah...that would have been nice."

"And did he tell that he was coming back after the party to get a little more?"

"No, I guess he forgot about that part."

"Jesus, this is a fuckin mess." River says and I burst out laughing. "What's so funny?"

"I don't know. It's just that you're right; it's a mess and if I don't laugh about, I'd cry."

"Oh, mom..."

"Don't feel bad for me. I'm okay. As your father has told me, I'm a survivor, I don't need him."

"That's true, but I know you want him. I can tell, I can feel it."

"I do but wish in one hand and shit in the other." I say with a shrug and this time, River laughs.

"Totally gross."

"It's just a saying."

"I know. Hey, I'm thinking about coming down with Olivia the night before the party. Maybe we can keep you company."

"And what will your father say?"

"Honestly, I don't give a shit. I had fun with him today and he was just my dad. Nothing was really that different about him. He was funny, and cool and we stopped by a shop to pick up a guitar he had custom made."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it has your initials kind of burned into the wood on the back. It's a sharp ax."

"I'm surprised he didn't tell them to take it back or destroy it." I say with a dry half-laugh.

"He would never. I know he still loves you, he's just got a lot to figure out. He told me toward the end of the trip, when he was taking me back to the apartment, that seeing you cry and walking away was the hardest thing he ever did. He would have done almost anything to stop those tears, but the one thing you asked him to do, he couldn't. He's trying to be better for you. He's got one of those stupid nicotine patches on his arm, and he's chewing the gum. He didn't order a beer at lunch like he usually does and he never said a mean-spirited word about you."

"Hmm..."

"I'm still sorry he did what he did and I think he is too. Listen to this: a girl was flirting with him and he didn't bask in it!" River and I both chuckle. "He kind of just waved his hand and sent her away." I grow silent again, thinking about everything I'm feeling and what I've been told.

"Thank you for calling me, baby. It means a lot."

"It's no problem. So will we be crashing with you in a few days, you know, before the party?"

"Yes, of course. I would love to have you both here. I could use a little excitement and conversation."

"Awesome. I love you."

"I love you too. Good night."

"Night." He hangs up and I sigh, holding the phone to my chest.

"You're such a good boy, River. How did I ever get so lucky to have you?" I'm talking to myself again, River hasn't been on the line in a couple of minutes and I realize how silly that sounds. I put the phone down and I'm able to keep down a full meal. The baby must like it's big brother already.

A/N: because I literally have no self control....