The Dream Is Not Over

You Really Got A Hold On Me

A couple days after my talk with Lindsey, I'm still agonizing over the fact that my son hasn't called me. To take my mind off it, I begin to indulge my need to nest, to prepare for this baby. I have already cleaned the upstairs top to bottom, rearranged furniture and changed the lighting in our bedroom, cleared out the soon-to-be nursery, and moved my organization frenzy downstairs to the living room. Lindsey's in the studio and has been for the better part of the day. He knows not to get in my way when I get like this and I'm thankful for it. He is usually the creator of most, if not all of my messes.

Just as I'm about to begin to tackle the downstairs, Olivia calls to check in, stating she had a dream about me and needed to talk about it. I sit down by the phone, breathing heavily. I realize just how tired I am despite the burst of energy I got this morning.

Olivia begins to explain she's worried about me just as much as Lindsey is. She stops our conversation briefly, and I wait. I hear her call out to someone then she speaks very quickly, I almost can't keep up.

"River just got in. Hang on, I'm going to try to get him on." My breath hitches in my throat and I begin to bob my knee up and down nervously. A few moments pass like hours, then I hear his voice.

"Hey mom." he says and I stifle a sob. "Please don't cry."

Of course, that doesn't help, tears spilling down my cheeks. "I'm sorry." I clear my throat, my voice being weakened by my tears.

"No, I'm sorry. You're right, I've been avoiding you." I gasp, I knew I was right. "Not because I don't love you or that I don't want to talk to you but because I didn't know what to say. I wasn't honest with you that night and I want to make this right. Olivia is nagging me to death over it!" he complains and I giggle. They sound just like us. If I didn't keep on Lindsey about certain things, they would never get done.

"Can we talk about it now?"

"I-I wouldn't feel right if dad weren't here as well."

"Oh." I look down into my lap and smooth my belly through my dress.

"How's my baby sister doing?" he asks, trying to lighten the mood.

"She's great. She's growing like a weed it seems and I feel her a lot now."

"Really?" His voice is filled with genuine interest.

"Mhmm." I wipe the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand. "We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to."

"I do want to."

"You-you're not mad at me?"

"Mama, over what?" His tender tone makes me cry all over again and he's patient, waiting for my response.

"The baby."

"Of course not!" he exclaims. "I'm shocked, I won't lie about that. I never thought I'd become a big brother at twenty." he says with a light-hearted chuckle. "But I'm also worried about you and dad. From just the little bit of information I was given...and all I have seen growing up."

"What?" The air is suddenly sucked out of my lungs and time stops. My hand stills over my growing belly and he sputters a little.

"Uh, well, what I mean—when I said...uh..."

"Oh, River." No matter how careful we thought we were, I failed. I only ever wanted to protect my baby boy. He knows I'm crying and somewhere in my mind filled with colliding thoughts and emotions I hear his voice whispering comfort. It's okay, he tells me, it's not my fault but I can't shake that gnawing feeling. "But you seemed so surprised when you came to the house to tell us about Olivia."