The Dream Is Not Over

Just Be There

Days are quiet without Lindsey and I wonder what he's doing, if he's eating and sleeping okay. I keep myself busy by getting to work on the engagement party I promised my son and Olivia. She's so excited to work with me on this and we have girl talk almost every night for a week. I could definitely get used to having her around. This weekend we plan on the two of them coming down to stay in River's old room so Olivia and I can look at wedding dress options and River can spend some time alone with his old man. They have refused a planner and have insisted I help them so while I'm busy and definitely not feeling my best, I agree. What mother wouldn't want to plan her son's wedding?

I realize Lindsey isn't going to call and I put my pride aside. I would like him here while the kids are staying and if I'm honest, I miss my husband no matter what he's done. I pick up the phone and dial his number at the studio, Mick having reminded me the day before. It rings like crazy and I know he must be busy. I put the phone back down and wait a couple minutes, deciding if I should try again. I know River would want him here. I dial the number again, putting in the extension when I reach the automated message telling me to do so. It rings again but this time, someone picks up.

"Hello?" It's an English accent, dammit.

"Hey, it's Stevie. Can I talk to Lindsey, please?"

"Sure, love, let me get him." I wait, twirling the phone cord. When the voice returns, it's still English. "He's busy. He says he will call you later."

"Fine, I'm coming down there."

"No, Stevie. He's in the yelling mood and you know what that's like."

"I frankly don't care. See you in an hour." I slam the phone down and get ready. I pile on jewelry and spray on Lindsey's favorite perfume. I work on my hair, then my makeup before finally deciding on an outfit. I choose color, a slinky red dress, and zip myself up the best of my ability. I toss on a jacket and heels, saving my usual boots for another day. I give myself the once over and call a car. I never realized just how difficult getting around was without Lindsey.

Finally, the car arrives and it's like deja-vu. I get out and Mick is smoking in the lobby. I hear Lindsey's heavy boots beating the floorboards. He's pissed and I know it before I even see him. He's got his lighter in his hand and he reaches into his shirt pocket to grab either a joint or a cigarette.

"Hey" I say as he passes me.

"Hey" he replies, lips tight as he has a cigarette now pinched between them. He shoves the door open and I look at Mick. He shrugs and follow after my husband.

"You alright?" He's standing against the brick wall, ignoring me. He flicks his bic and lights up. He inhales instantly, exhaling through his nostrils.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, his voice gruff and low.

"Am I not allowed?"

"You never wanted to be here, thus why you only came in for like what, two to three weeks?" He flicks his ashes in my direction.

"Can we just stop this?"

"Stop what? You're avoiding me."

"I am not, Lindsey, I was waiting for a real apology."

"I gave you one."

"When?"

"I'm not getting into this. It's always a thing with you, Stevie." Lindsey crosses his arms and looks in the opposite direction.

"It's not a 'thing', or at least it wasn't until you brought our son into it."

"I needed someone to talk to."

"How about talking to me?"

"Sure, and say what?"

"Sorry, for starters."

"Oh God, this again!" He slaps his hands on his thighs, shoving his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.

"Yes, exactly this again."

"I said sorry, what more do you want?"

"I want you to mean it. Look into my eyes and feel bad about something you've done for once!"

"How can I when you won't talk to me?"

"You haven't even tried! I'm not the one who slept at the studio for a week."

"I thought you would have changed the locks by now" he says with a snort.

"You are impossible!" I half-shout. "You are stubborn, hurtful and I can't even talk to you anymore!"

"Then why are you here? Surely not to talk to me then."

"If you must know, River and Olivia are staying the weekend at the house. Olivia and I are going to look at wedding dresses and get a feel for her style and you and River are supposed to spend some time bonding. He misses you."

"Well, he knows where I am." Lindsey takes another drag off his cigarette and lets it fall to the ground, stamping it out on the pavement.

"I don't want to fight in front of our son and his future wife. I'd like us to be okay for the engagement party."

"I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of the invitation in the mail." he says, rolling his eyes.

I shake my head. "Unbelievable, Lindsey."

"You know, I really didn't need this today. The whole fucking record is a mess and it's coming down to the gaddamn wire. You haven't helped at all, if anything you've stalled production and now I'm so burnt out, I can't even fucking focus."

"God forbid, something go wrong in Lindsey's world."

"Laugh all you want. Just go home, Stevie." I feel faint and hot. All the screaming and yelling on top of being under the weather is doing nothing for me. He turns, a horrible look on his face and I look away from him. If he wants me to leave, I'll leave. My vision darkens and I become disoriented. The next thing I know, I feel two strong hands on me. My eyes flutter open and my vision returns. "Stevie, you should see a doctor."

"I'm fine."

"No, you're clearly not. What if I wasn't here? You would have passed out cold on the sidewalk."

I regain my composure and stand up, straightening my clothes. He lets go of me slowly, and I can see in his eyes he's afraid it will happen again. He watches me, his stormy grey eyes following my every small movement. "Really, I'm fine. I'm sick but I will get better. Not that it matters to you."

"Not that it matters to me? Stevie, you're my wife, I worry about you."

"Yeah, well worry about yourself."

"What about this weekend?" he asks, his eyes big and now the clearest blue I've ever seen.

"Just be there, okay, for your son."

I walk quickly down the sidewalk, seeing my car is still here. I hop in and head off back toward the house. I turn around briefly to watch Lindsey. His head is down and his shoulders are slumped as he walks back into the building. I sigh, sitting back down in my seat, staring out the window at nothing in particular.