The Dream Is Not Over

Uninvited Guest

Olivia went for a walk around the neighborhood and Lindsey and I have spent the bulk of the time looking through various phone books for all the hospitals from here to their school up north. Each time I pick up the phone, I become increasingly more worried or aggravated. Sometimes, the nurses will give me information and sometimes they won't. When they do, I'm happy to know they don't have River or anyone matching his description laying in a hospital bed but when they don't, I want to lash out at them rather than simply thank them for their time. My son could be there and I would never know.

I've been at this for two hours, I hear Olivia return and go right up to her room. I sigh, looking through the book again.

"We need to stop this. He's not in a hospital."

"What about jail? We should call police stations. He could have been picked up for possession," I say.

"No, Steph..."

"Or speeding. He's always had a lead foot."

"Stevie—"

"Twenty four hour hold, there has to be an extension for that. I just need to find—"

He puts his hand over mine on the book, stopping my finger from moving down the page as I search for PDs from here, all the way up the coast. "Stop, just stop. You're stressing yourself out, you're stressing the baby out and I'm done with this. It's useless."

"It is not." I tell him, tears in my eyes.

"Yes it is. If a man doesn't want to be found, he won't be."

"I know."

"If he does, he will come back. I've told you a million times he wouldn't leave her. Why can't you just believe me?"

"Because!"

"Great reason, Stevie, seriously..." He's getting angry. He stands up, his hands on his hips. "Let it go!"

"I can't! Once upon a time I didn't think you'd leave me either, then look what happened!"

He put his head down, shaking it. He scoffs and I know I shouldn't have said it. "I can't talk to you"

"Lindsey, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I did it. No matter what I do, I won't be able to erase it. I fucked up, Steph, and I'm sorry but I thought I was making up for it. I thought we were getting somewhere."

"We are!"

"It's still hanging over my head like a black cloud. Now I see why you're so obsessed with this. You see yourself in her. Pregnant and abandoned...it hurts. I'm sorry I did that to you and it tears my fucking heart out that sweet little Olivia is going through it too but you know what hurts the most?" he shouts, tears filling his eyes. I want to look away but I can't. "What hurts the most is that my son, my flesh and blood is doing exactly what I did." He points harshly out the door. "He inherited that from me and I can't fix it...I can't fix it."

"Lindsey..." I say softly, my hand reaching out for him.

"No, Stevie." He shakes his head, his voice lowering. "I need a minute, okay?"

"Please"

"Just a minute. I'll be in the backyard."

"Okay," I whisper and he nods, leaving the room.

The door shuts behind him and it feels like he's cutting himself off. I dissolve into tears. Maybe there is something to what he said, I'm attaching myself to Olivia. I see myself in her, but their situation is not my situation. We are not the same and I have to remember that. I take a few deep breaths and go back to the phone book. I pick up the phone and try to find the next number in line. I dial the first digit then hang up. He's right, I can't do this. I have to believe things are going to be okay, I have to tell myself that when he's ready, he will come back. If a man doesn't want to be found, he won't be. I just hope our River wants to be found.

——

Lindsey has been quiet all day. He doesn't talk much at lunch, only managing a small smile for Olivia's benefit as the three of us sit outside eating sandwiches.

"Do you feel okay?" I ask Olivia.

"I'm fine. Just tired."

"Understandable," Lindsey said comfortingly. Her eyes well up with fresh tears and Lindsey pats her hand. He's not good with emotions but he does try to help. He's always felt awkward around Olivia and I think last night broke down a few of those barriers. "You're free to take a nap if you want. You don't have to wait for permission."

"I know, thank you."

I chime in. "Is there something we can do?" I know there isn't but I would love to help ease a little of her pain.

"Not really. It's weird not seeing him, you know? We're basically always together. We're Liv & Riv. I haven't been just Liv in a long time it feels. I don't even really remember what life was like before him because he made things so much better." Hearing her speak about him like that is heart wrenching. "I love him so much, it hurts not to be with him. I'm afraid he's gone forever."

"He's not gone forever, Liv." Lindsey tells her. "I understand how crazy this feels, how devastating but you have to keep the faith. This isn't like him at all."

"I know, and that's what makes it worse. I did this."

"You did not. I wish I could make you stop blaming yourself. There has to be more to this that we just don't know..." Lindsey looks thoughtful as he gets up and pulls the girl into his arms. She cries on his shoulder and the whole thing is too much for me to take. I excuse myself from the table and walk into the house, closing the door behind me. "Go to your room and rest. I can wake you up for dinner if you'd like."

"Thank you, Mr Buckingham."

"Lindsey, remember? Call me Lindsey." He strokes her cheek and lets her go. She walks past me into the house and Lindsey follows. Just as he walks past me, he turns around to face me. "Steph, I'm sorry I blew up at you earlier. You didn't deserve that."

"I shouldn't have said what I said. I regret it the second it came out of my mouth."

"But it's true. I did leave you when you needed me most. I wasn't there for you and you had to sit on this news."

"I found out when we were hanging out on the couch that night. We were fine then. You checked on me right after it came up positive. You even offered to hold my hair...I should have told you before this turned into a big mess."

"You were afraid. I scared you."

"That's not an excuse!" I don't want to yell so I lower my voice. "We both made mistakes and it's not fair for me to constantly bring it up."

"You haven't."

"I did this morning and I hurt you. I don't want to hurt you like that anymore. I'm happy with you, I'm just worried about my son now."

"I know you are, I am too." He takes my hand in his, our fingers automatically lacing together. I smile, feeling our connection renewed. "I love you, and I will try my best to help look for him if you want."

"I'm done searching. If he needs us, he will come see us." He kisses my lips tenderly. "I love you too."

The sound of the front door opening causes our lips separate and Lindsey wanders a few steps away from me. I follow, unwilling to break our hands apart. Before we can get to the door, we see Olivia standing in the foyer.

"Hey...what are you doing here?" a familiar voice asks.