The Dream Is Not Over

Overanalyzing

"He's avoiding me!" I exclaim, slamming the telephone down in the alcove. Little pink papers with scribbled messages and phone numbers scatter and flutter to the floor. I huff, holding my belly as I pick them up. I stand up and shove them back into their place, turning around to look at Lindsey who has been staring at me the entire time. He's smirking and I hate it, my eyes flashing with anger. "Oh, is something amusing?"

"Just you" he says, resuming reading his magazine with his feet on the coffee table. I stand there, rubbing slow circles over my belly as the baby dances beneath. It's been a month, and River and I haven't spoken. It either goes to the answering machine or Olivia answers and tells me he's busy. He sighs and looks up at me, watching me chew my bottom lip. "Why do you think he's avoiding you?" he asks, if only to indulge me and my overly analytical thought process.

"Four weeks, I've called multiple times and he's sleeping or in class."

"He's a college student. That's probably accurate."
I'm so frustrated, he's not getting this. "It's not just that, Lindsey."

"Okay, then tell me." He pats the spot on the sofa next to him and I trudge over, flopping down next to him. He kisses my temple tenderly, rubbing the fabric of my dress that covers my thigh. "Why would he avoid you? He adores you. If he wanted to avoid anyone, wouldn't it be me?"

"I don't know. Olivia and I talk all the time about wedding plans and she told me River is getting serious about this eloping thing. He's mentioned it multiple times."

"Then let them elope. Less stress for everyone." I give him a pointed look and he raises his hands in defense, dropping his magazine to his lap. "I know, I'm not helping."

"No, you're not." I'm still chewing my lip, fiddling with my fingers in my lap.

"Isn't wedding planning more for the girls anyway?"

"I wanted to do this with my son."

"Guys don't like weddings unless it's to pick up lonely and/or drunk bridesmaids." Lindsey comments and I'm disgusted.

"Men are pigs."

"You married one and you birthed one so they can't be all bad." He readjusts himself on the couch and picks his magazine back up.

"Take me to San Francisco."

"The Velvet Underground closed, the acid tests are over. Free love died, leave it alone." Lindsey replies cynically.

"None of those are the reason why I'd want to go and you know it." I cross my arms over my blossoming chest. "I want to talk to our son. I will wait all day if I have to."

"He obviously needs time away or maybe he actually is busy and he hasn't had time to call you. Wouldn't you feel bad if he's been missing you just as much as you've missed him and he is just trying to get through with school so he can move on to wedded bliss while you are painting our baby boy as a mother-hating miscreant?" The gears are turning, he can see it in my eyes. "And stop biting your lip. You're going to make it bleed."

"I can't help it. I miss him."

"I miss him too."

"Will you call him?" I ask and Lindsey closes his magazine for good, placing it on the coffee table and taking his dirty boots off it's shiny surface.

"Steph..."

"Please, don't 'Steph' me, Lindsey. What if he's not okay with this? What if he was lying to me, just to spare my feelings? He left in such a hurry and...and I feel like it's my fault."

"Angel, it's not your fault. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. I knocked you up, I put our sex sounds in a song, I got an apartment, I left the band, I hurt you, I crashed in front of the house and I was the one who spoke out of turn when you asked me to stay quiet. It's my fault, you did nothing."

"I'm not blameless."

"No one is, but if River felt upset about something he should have said it. He shouldn't have kept it inside. He and I are always challenging each other, he could have easily stepped up then. He's never had any trouble before."

I'm still not satisfied and he can see that. Instead of gnawing on my lip, I switch to my shiny red fingernails, long and tapered slightly. Just as I take my thumbnail between my teeth, Lindsey takes my hands away, holding them in his. "I'm worried."

"I know you are." His eyes peer into my soul and I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. It's all I can do to stop myself from crying. "River is a grown man. We have to let him go. He can make up his own mind, he can do things we won't necessarily approve of because it's his life." I gasp and he rubs his large hand over the back of one of my small ones. "What is it you think he's so mad about? Taking me back?" I shake my head. "About the fight itself?" I shake my head again, tears welling up in my eyes. "Stevie, no..." he says, knowing that only leaves one thing.

"It's all I can think about." I say, my voice being strangled by my tears, coming out barely above a whisper.

"He's not mad at you because you're pregnant." he says and a sob escapes my lips. He hits the nail on the head and hearing the words aloud hurts even more. "He's going to love this baby, he just needs time. He has been our only child for twenty years. Even though he's not a little kid anymore, there's still a lot of adjustment there."

"But what if he never forgives me?"

"There's nothing to forgive. I shouldn't have pushed you into telling him that night, and I definitely shouldn't have said it the way I did."

"Now he knows and he hates me for it."

"No, he doesn't." I don't believe him. River left right after the news and that has to be why. Lindsey's right, if the problem had been with him he would have said something to his father whether I was there or not, but his problem is with me. He's never been that way toward me before and I'm sure he doesn't know how to even begin to express himself like he does with Lindsey. River always takes my side and now that he can't, his only option is to leave. It all makes sense.

"I need to be alone." I say suddenly. My mind is reeling and I can't stop myself from going over and over everything that happened that night. Our boy was speechless. He hugged me but I didn't feel his warmth. He smiled but it never quite reached his bright blue eyes. They stayed grey, just like Lindsey's do when he's hiding something from me. These two are so alike that it's scary. It's why they can be so close at times, then bitter rivals in the very next breath.

"Don't shut down, Steph. If you want me to call him, fine. If you want to go to San Francisco, okay. I will take you to the fucking moon if that would make you happy but please, don't blame yourself. You did nothing to cause this. He just needs space."

I nod, though I don't comprehend or fully process a thing he says. In my mind, this is my fault. Had I approached River with the news of our divorce, he would have been less shocked. Had I told him the entire truth, and didn't leave out any single detail, maybe he would have understood but if I'm honest, the whole thing doesn't make sense to me either. "Okay" I say and he kisses my cheek.

"Do you still need to be alone?" he asks and I shrug. "How about we go upstairs and I can hold you." I nod and let him place a hand on my lower back as he guides me upstairs toward our bedroom. "A little rest, even if you don't sleep, would do you some good. You haven't been getting much of either at all recently." He noticed. I've been pacing the floor, writing or crying most nights. The nightmares didn't leave with the last of my bruises and I can't stop myself from reliving that fear. During the day, I can forget. I go over cake options, or flower arrangements and discuss venue ideas with Olivia when she has the time. I immerse myself in the movements of the little being in my womb, dream about her and what she may look like and sound like. I remember my son growing inside of me, and being so young and scared yet so hopeful. During the day, I can chase away the darkness but at night, when Lindsey snores softly beside me, it's only me and my thoughts, and that's the very worst thing for me right now.

A/N: kind of filler-ish but I hope it wasn't too boring. The whole Buckingham family is still dealing with the aftermath of the talk, but wedding plans are rolling on whether River is involved or not. Poor Stevie, but at least Lindsey is there to talk. Are you still enjoying this? What would you like to see?