The Dream Is Not Over

Solitude Standing

Instead of dwelling on my now estranged husband's whereabouts, I choose to take myself shopping. I need a dress for the party since I can't recycle one of my many black ones I know fit well and I love.  Olivia had called me about the most perfect white dress she had found at a vintage store in town and River was still unsure what he wanted to wear so I hear Lindsey has offered to drive up and take him shopping one on one. I say 'hear' because Lindsey hasn't called me at all, not even to check to see how I'm doing, when he had been so worried before. Ha! I guess I'm out of sight, out of mind.

I wander around alone for a couple of hours, stumbling upon a long moss green dress with a handkerchief hemline. It has thin straps, it's backless and bias cut. Perfect for hiding a potentially not so flat tummy. When I put it on, I feel incredible. The bronze beading is beautiful and learning from River that green is Olivia's favorite color, I know it's a winner. I know immediately I will pair it with a pair of my cream suede boots and go through a couple of options for wraps in a smaller boutique. As if fate had a hand, I find a semi sheer cream shawl with beading that is the same color and design on my dress. I purchase it immediately, heading off to the same store I visited with Olivia a couple of weeks ago. She was eying a large turquoise and tiger's eye cuff but said she couldn't afford a piece like that. It's still in the case and I spot it as soon as I walk in. I pick up a couple pieces for myself, as well as a blue chalcedony pendant to take up a little space in the deep neckline of my new dress. I leave happy and satisfied, going right home to put everything away and take a nap.

A couple of hours later, I wake to a knock on the door. I throw on a robe and slippers, hurrying down the stairs. To my surprise, like deja-vu, it's Lindsey. He has stubble on his chin and cheeks, his shirt is buttoned askew and his old, faded blue jeans are torn in the knees. He's wearing flip flops instead of boots and I smile.

"Hey, come for clothes?" I ask, letting him in.

"Yeah, and some other things."

"Okay." I shut the door and follow him up the stairs. "You can leave laundry."

"I'm using a service" he says, not making eye contact.

"Are you hungry? I can make food. I'm famished."

"I'll eat later."

I lean against the door way, watching as he rifles through the closet, finally pulling out a suitcase. My eyes go wide as I see him throwing in jeans and tee shirts. He gets up and goes to our dresser, pulling out boxer shorts and socks.

"You look like you're packing for a trip!" I try to make a joke but I'm getting scared. I've never seen him be so distant before. There's always been at least yelling when we would fight. Now, it's nothing at all. "Lindsey, where are you going?" He still doesn't answer. I touch my stomach briefly, sitting down on the floor with him as he organizes his luggage. "Please talk to me."

"What can I say, Stevie?"

"I don't know, just let me in. You're freaking me out."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, just...are you going to get River or...are you staying up there? How's the record?" So many questions but my mind isn't working in a linear fashion.

"I don't want to talk about the record, Stevie. And uh, I don't know, I thought someone would have told you by now."

"Told me what?"

"I'm sure they all keep tabs on me for you."

"No they don't, Lindsey, and I would never ask them to. I trust you."

He sits back, running a hand through his hair. His eyes meet mine and I know what he's about to say can't be good. "I got an apartment, Steph."

"You...what?" I'm in shock, I can't even comprehend what he just told me.

"I'm moving out. This...this isn't working and I don't want to make you feel any worse than I already have."

"But, Linds—"

"Don't, please. I've made up my mind." I begin to cry and he kisses the top of my head. "I'm sorry." He picks up his case and leaves the room. I get up and chase after him.

"Lindsey, please don't go!" I wail. He turns around in the hallway and looks into my eyes. He knows I'm heartbroken.

"Stephanie, I've talked to River enough times to know what I'm doing to you. He made it perfectly clear that this is torture and looking back, I see it too."

"I need you."

"No, you don't, Stevie. You're a survivor. If anyone needs anyone, I need you but I can't be dependent. I have to do things on my own." A sob escapes my lips and he looks away. "Jesus, I can't stand it when you cry. Can you please stop? You're making this harder."

"Then stay with me." I beg and he shakes his head.

"Please..."

"No! You 'please'!" I shout through my tears. "What am I supposed to do without you? I love you. I've loved you practically my whole life."

"You move on, Stevie. We both have to. I told you I made up my mind and that apartment is a done deal. I can't back out now."

"So you're just...going?" He nods and I feel faint. The room is spinning. I sway on the spot and he puts his suitcase down to hold me upright.

"You really need to see a doctor. It could be your blood pressure or your heart..."

"I have seen a doctor."

"And what did they say?" He looks at me and I bow my head, tears still falling down my cheeks.

"Lindsey, I'm p—" A horn honks outside. Jesus, he didn't even drive here.

"That's my cab. I'll uh, I'll call you when I'm settled, and you know, when I have a phone and shit." He tries to make light of this but I can't even manage a small, fake smile for him. I can't even stop crying long enough to realize it's supposed to be funny. "I'm not leaving because I don't love you anymore. I need you to know that." I simply nod and he kisses my forehead, sprinting down the stairs and out of the house. The door slams and I fall to the floor, dissolving into floods of tears. The house feels so empty and I realize that for the first time in my life, I'm completely alone.