A New Year's Kiss (BoyxBoy)

9. Rejected for a Better Model

Jay

June 2015

We'd just completed our first year at college and me and Alex were celebrating with a Die Hard marathon at his house. His mum was working the weekend night shift, which meant I'd be staying over. I did that a lot now. I would go home to check on my mum at around 9pm, then come back to Alex's for the night, then I'd get up early to go back home and check she was still alive. I couldn't decide if it was relief or disappointment I felt when I saw she was.

Ever since the day his mum had asked me to stay the night after I was beaten up protecting her son, Mrs Bateson said I could sleep over any time on the sofa bed in the lounge. Most nights me and Alex would pull the sofa bed out and play video games, or watch movies late into the night until we both fell asleep. Alex rarely made it to his bedroom.

Nothing weird ever happened when we slept together. I never woke up snuggling into him (does that ever really happen?!), but I did find myself studying him a lot when he was asleep. He was undoubtedly good looking, in a rather cute way. And he had the kind of hair, that no matter how messy it was, it always looked good, like it had been styled that way.

While we were watching the first Die Hard film, I'd noticed Alex texting a lot, so when it carried on through the second film, I was aggravated enough to say something.

"Who do you keep texting?" I asked, not hiding the irritation in my voice.

Alex looked at me a little surprised but replied. "It's Kevin from college. He's asked me to go to a party with him tomorrow night."

"Which one's Kevin?" I asked. We both went to the same college but whereas Alex was taking A-levels, I was doing a BTEC in mechanical engineering so we didn't see much of each other. I knew a few of Alex's college friends but not many.

"You don't know him" Alex replied, then as more of an afterthought he added, "and he's gay."

My ears pricked up at this. "So are you interested in him then? Is this like a date?"

Alex blushed a little, but said, "No, it's not a date."

Looking at his red cheeks, I said "but you are interested in him though?"

Alex shrugged. "I guess."

I laughed, although I didn't find it very funny. "I guess? That doesn't sound great. You should know if you are into him or not. Guessing isn't usually involved."

Alex smiled. "I know, I know. He likes me, but I'm not sure if I like him."

"So tell him no then," I said.

Alex looked shocked at my answer. "Why would I say no? Just because I agree to the party doesn't mean we're going out or anything. You go and pick up girls all the time, it doesn't mean you're dating them."

I didn't think this was the time to point out I hadn't picked up a girl in a while so I said, "yes but I've usually just met them in the bar, I wouldn't go with them if I knew that they liked me in that way. It would be leading them on."

"Yes, but I'm not sure. What if I do like him that way. And anyway, since when did you earn the right to lecture me on dating morals." He didn't say this angrily, he looked slightly bemused.

He was right, I couldn't really argue my point given my history. I wanted to tell him that I had changed and wasn't doing that anymore, but I didn't think I would be able to answer the questions that would then likely follow. Hell, I couldn't even answer the questions to myself, never mind to him.

"Fine, go then" I conceded. "Just......be careful."

He chuckled and lightly punched my shoulder. "Of course I will."

We turned our attention back to the TV, but I couldn't concentrate on the film. At least Alex had stopped texting.

Part way through the third film Alex fell asleep so I turned the TV and lights off. I couldn't sleep though. Why was it bugging me so much? Sure I was starting to have curious feelings about Alex, but it's not like I wanted to date him, so why did I feel uneasy?

I eventually put it down to just being concerned as a friend, and eventually fell asleep.

The following night Alex did go to the party with Kevin, and the following week they were officially dating.

I hated Kevin. To be fair, he didn't stand a chance with me. The problem with having a gay best friend is that when he does find a boyfriend, you really do feel like you've been rejected for a better model.

Sure Kevin was good looking, and wealthy and smart, but did he know Alex like I did? Did he know what he liked and disliked, what his favourite film or song was?

I know I was clutching at straws, but I was suddenly desperate.

Their relationship only lasted a month, but I can honestly say it was the worst month of my life. The worst thing was that Alex kept making an effort to include me in the things that they were doing, so I found myself having to smile and make small talk with a guy I really didn't want to be in the same room with. He had this annoying smirk that made me want to punch his face.

The worst thing though by far, was when they would disappear upstairs together. It both made my blood boil and made me nauseated at the same time. I told myself that it was the thought of two guys doing things together, but I knew that wasn't the case really.

The day Alex told me they had split up, I felt like doing a little jig. It was so hard not to smile that day. Apparently they had spit because they just didn't have anything in common. That made me feel smug.

But this had been the wake up call I needed. I wasn't ready to do anything yet, but I also didn't want to go through another "Kevin" before I'd decided what my feelings were.

So I became Alex's wingman. Yeah, maybe not the best idea, but in my head I thought as long as Alex was getting meaningless action, he wouldn't be out looking for another boyfriend.

I know, I know, pretty messed up thinking, but hey, I was pretty messed up at the time.

So we started going to clubs that were popular with LGBT scene and believe it or not, gay men were attracted to me. I didn't find it hard picking up guys for Alex but that doesn't mean I always did. It was hard seeing him make out with some random guy, and the more I did it, the more it hurt, and the more I started to wish it was me he was kissing.

I had finally admitted it. I wanted Alex.