A New Year's Kiss (BoyxBoy)

26. One Day at a Time

Jay

I was really ill the following day, and having read the leaflet that Leila gave me, Mr Finley decided that I should stay with him all day so he could keep an eye on my for any of the warning signs listed.

That meant I had to go with him to his garage. It wasn't as bad as it sounds as he had a large comfy armchair in his office, so I spent most of the time curled up on that.

The worst thing about it, was I had to spend the day staring at my car.

"What do you want to do with it?" Mr Finely asked while taking his lunch break. Mrs Finley had made us both cheese sandwiches and I was doing my best to keep mine down.

"I want to get rid of it," I said without hesitation, "too many bad memories."

"Sure," said Mr Finley. After a brief silence he said, "we might as well fix the damage so we can get a decent price for it. I've had a look and it's all superficial so it won't take much to do."

I nodded my head in agreement.

Later that day I saw him going over the car and when it was time to leave he handed me a carrier bag of items.

"What's this?" I asked glancing into the bag.

"I've removed all your belongings from the car" he replied.

I quickly shut the bag up, not wanting to see anything that reminded me of that day.

*********

Two days later I was starting to feel a little better. The sun was shining so I decided to go for a run.

After promising Mr & Mrs Finley I would take it easy, I set off with only one destination in mind.

Once I arrived at the hospital, I suddenly realised I couldn't just walk in, so I sat down on the rock where I had been when Leila came over.

Two hours later, I was about to give up when I suddenly spotted Leila coming out of the main entrance.

"Leila" I shouted as I jogged over.

"Hello Jay" she said, looking genuinely pleased to see me.

"How's Alex?" I quickly blurted out, anxious to hear any news.

"He's doing ok," she replied, and I immediately felt a sense of relief. "They took him off the ventilator yesterday and he's breathing fine by himself, so that's a good sign."

"Does that mean he'll wake up soon?" I asked.

"Hopefully," replied Leila. "With some people it takes a couple of days, others could take weeks. When his body is ready, he'll wake up."

I nodded along, pleased to hear anything that sounded positive. "And how is his heart? Has that stopped racing yet?"

Leila frowned slightly. "No, that's still not changed much. But I'm hoping it will soon. By the way, I had a chat with Alex's mum and she said you're welcome to visit for the last hour of the day - that's between 7:00 and 8:00pm."

I smiled awkwardly, "Is that so I won't bump into her?"

Leila returned my smile. "I think it is. Just give her time Jay."

"I will" I replied, "and thanks for doing this for me. Is it ok then if I come back at 7 tonight?"

"Of course it is!" Leila exclaimed. "I'll see you then." And with that she turned and headed back into the hospital.

***********

7 o'clock couldn't come soon enough and I found myself pacing outside the hospital from 6.30.

As soon as my watch read 7, I was in like a shot. I don't know why I felt like this. I just knew I needed to be near Alex.

Leila met me at the door to the HDU to tell me that Alex had now been moved up onto another ward.

When we got there Alex was in a side room with one other bed that was currently empty.

"Are you not going to be Alex's nurse anymore?" I asked, seen as we were far away from the HDU where Leila worked.

"Yes, I'll still be involved in Alex's care, although other nurses from this ward will also look after him."

I nodded, feeling relieved that Leila would still be around.

She then busied herself with checking Alex over, before leaving us alone.

I felt much more comfortable in this room and wasted no time at all in climbing on the bed next to Alex and talking to him about random things.

He looked much better without the machinery strapped to his face.

Over the next week I visited Alex every evening. It was what kept me going through the day. The worst of my withdrawal symptoms had subsided, but I still couldn't sleep at night. I would toss and turn for hours and then when I did fall asleep, I was plunged into a dark world of pain and heartache. The dreams would vary, but I always had the same feeling of helplessness and loss. I often woke up in tears.

Because of this lack of sleep it wasn't uncommon for me to fall asleep on the bed next to Alex. It was the best sleep I would get. I never had any nightmares when he was by my side.

I didn't talk about it to Leila, but I knew she could tell. That damn nurses instinct missed nothing. I knew she could tell because on the days I felt at my worst she would let me sleep a little longer. One night, she didn't wake me up till midnight and then she had to help me sneak out without being seen.

While I was awake with Alex I would chat to him about our childhood. I liked to talk about the days before our lives became complicated. I would read articles to him that I knew would interest him, and I brought in Mr Finley's laptop to play films that we used to watch over and over while growing up. I even bought a panini football sticker book and would pick up stickers on my way in each day. I never had any interest in football, but Alex loved it, so I would spend ages trying to pronounce all the names of the footballers, that I knew would have him in stitches if he was awake.

Even though he never talked back, I felt happier than I had in a long time. I had my Alex back. While I was at the hospital I was able to trick myself into thinking we were still best friends and that everything was fine.

When I left the hospital reality would hit. It was a weird feeling to both wish for and dread what was to come. I would wish with all heart that he would wake up, and that he would be ok. But I also dreaded that day too. For starters, it wasn't until he woke up that we would know exactly what damage had been done to his brain. But also, when he woke up I would have to once again deal with what I had done.

Alex was unlikely to want to have anything to do with me. I knew that, but I couldn't help but hope that I might be wrong, and that he might forgive me.

I also had my impending Court case to worry about too.

But I didn't let myself dwell too much on these things. I couldn't or I would go insane. So I just took everything one day at a time and looked forward to every precious moment I could spend with Alex.