A New Year's Kiss (BoyxBoy)

35. The Perfect Friend

Alex

I lay in bed for quite some time but I didn't get any more sleep.

What had just happened? My emotions were in such turmoil that I wasn't so sure.

Was I happy or disappointed that he wasn't going back to Scotland?

Honestly, I think it was both. And that messed with my head.

If someone had told me a week ago that Jay was coming back for good, I would have been thrilled. Hell, if you'd told me that just 2 days ago I would have planned a party for his return.

But now? After spending the last day planning what I was going to do to him.....with him. Everything felt different.

I had nothing to lose. That was the plan. I didn't have to worry about wrecking our friendship, because there wasn't really a friendship left. And if there had been any awkwardness afterwards, it wouldn't have mattered because he would have been going to Scotland and I wouldn't have had to worry about bumping into him at the shop or the cinema.

I thought it would have been fun. I thought it wouldn't have meant anything. Just two acquaintances scratching each others itch.

I had worked so hard yesterday to make myself believe that. To make myself believe that he didn't matter to me anymore. That I wasn't crazy madly in love with him anymore.

So why did part of me feel so crushed?

Not crushed as in disappointed. No, crushed as if my heart had been ripped out. Crushed as in it was hard to breath. Crushed as in I wanted to curl up in bed and never get up.

But the worst thing about it by far, was that this feeling took me by surprise. That I realised as soon as he told me he was staying, that I couldn't go through with my plan, because I suddenly had so much to lose. In that second, I got my best friend back, but I lost so much more.

But it shouldn't have been more. I should have just been losing a kiss and maybe a quick lust filled romp. That shouldn't have even been on the same comparison scale as getting my friend back.

But it was. And for a brief moment I was angry that he wasn't going back. I was angry because, god, I wanted him. I wanted him so much I physically ached.

I wanted to know what it would be like to kiss him again, and run my fingers through his hair, and run my hands over his body. My god, his body was out of this world. I nearly died when I saw him take his t-shirt off last night. Part of me wished I hadn't given him something to wear so he would have had to go to bed topless.

I cursed myself for thinking these thoughts as my lower region started waking up too. I had to stop thinking like this. He was my friend, and that did mean the world to me. I didn't want to lose him again. I really didn't

I needed a shower. A cold one.

******************

Jay did come back again that night, and thankfully he didn't mention our exchange from this morning.

I did everything I could to be the perfect friend. I let him choose what we played and what we watched. I let him decide what take-away to order and when we ordered it.

He looked at me strangely a few times, but didn't say anything.

And when it was time to go to bed, I made sure that I was out of the room when he got changed.

And it was ok. In fact it was more than ok. It was really good. As I had no hidden agenda this time, I really found myself being able to relax and have fun, just like old times. And I began to feel really grateful that I didn't make a move last night, and that I hadn't ruined everything.