A New Year's Kiss (BoyxBoy)

37. The Real Me

Jay

'Fuck' was the first thought that came into my head when I woke up the following morning.

Usually I quite enjoyed the feeling of Alex pressed up against me first thing in a morning, but today all it did was remind me of what happened last night.

Admittedly, Alex didn't seem that bothered that I'd basically cuddled up to him, but still, I knew it was bound to lead to some sort of uncomfortable conversation this morning.

I gently moved myself away from Alex and got up to go and take a shower.

By the time I was done and dressed, I found Alex sitting in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal.

"Hey," I said, feeling a little tense.

"Hey to you too," he said grinning at me with a mischievous glint in his eye.

I felt the corners of my mouth start to twitch up into a smile. This I could cope with. I should have known he would try to make fun of me.

"Go on," I said, "spit it out."

"Woah!" said Alex putting his hands up, "You may have spooned me but we didn't go that far!"

I bit back a laugh, not wanting to reward his dirty humour.

"It helps me sleep," I said with a shrug.

"What, so am I like your teddy bear or something?" Alex said with a grin on his face.

"Something like that," I replied while fixing myself a bowl of cereal.

Alex was silent for a while and I saw in the reflection on the gloss cupboard that he looked deep in thought.

"So....it's nothing for me to worry about then?" he asked rather hesitantly.

"Only if you were a little too into it?" I replied, wiggling my eyebrows at him, trying to get the humour back. I didn't need this conversation to get serious. It was too early to have to think about my answers without blurting something out that I would later regret.

"Hey, you snuggled into me!" he said, slapping me lightly on the shoulder as I came to sit next to him.

"And I didn't hear you complaining about it!" I shot back.

"Hmmmph," Alex said, going back to his cereal.

I could see his mind working away again, so I knew I had to give him something, anything, to stop him reading too much into this.

I put down my spoon and turned towards him.

"When you were in your coma, and I was going through the worst of my withdrawal, I couldn't sleep...I mean, like at all! I felt sometimes like I wasn't really awake, like I was in some sort of dream, but it never ended, and I never felt any less tired. Then when I saw you in hospital, and held onto you, and could see and feel that you were still alive, it sorta calmed me down, and I was able to fall asleep.

"Somehow, I think my body has remembered that, and when I make that contact with you, it keeps me calm, and I can sleep."

Alex's wide eyes stared at me intensely, and I had to look away to stop myself being drawn into them.

"Wow, I'm sorry Jay," he said, "I never knew."

I shrugged, "Of course you didn't - you were too fucking lazy to even open your eyes back then!"

Alex spluttered on his milk.

"Shit dude, you just made milk come out of my nose!"

I laughed at him, while he went to get something to wipe his face. When he came back, I knew I needed to finish this conversation, to know where I stood.