A New Year's Kiss (BoyxBoy)

12. A Price I was Willing to Pay

Alex

New Years Eve 2015

He kissed me. I can't believe he kissed me!

He really was an arsehole at times. But I knew that already, and still I fell for it. For him.

Sure I was pissed off, but if I thought about it enough, I would realise I was more mad at myself than Jay. So I didn't think about it.

I arrived home, stripped off and climbed straight into bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I finally allowed the tears to flow. I had distracted myself with the anger while I got home, but now I could let myself wallow in the overriding emotion I felt - sadness. I felt like someone had ripped a hole in my heart, and believe me it hurt physically as well as emotionally.

I knew I had been stupid to hope, even if it was just for the smallest moment, but god, that moment had been good. Almost perfect.

I kept replaying the kiss over and over. It was like I was torturing myself, but I couldn't help it.

Why had I let this happen?

Sure, I'd fancied Jay from the moment I met him. From the time I spat in his face to try to earn his respect. But after we had become friends, and I knew he was as straight, I put those feelings to the side. I wasn't stupid enough to waste my time wishing I could be with someone who was unobtainable.

And I was fine with that. I was fine with him being my best friend. So what changed?

I know what changed. It was that damn kiss a year ago today.

I hadn't thought it through. It was a spur of the moment thing just to shut him up from moaning. I suppose a part of me was glad of the opportunity, just out of curiosity, and yes I seized that opportunity, I seized it with both hands gripping his shirt.

Right now, if I could change things, I would never have kissed him. Because that was the moment that things changed.

The kiss had surprised me. It was supposed to be a joke, and even though he didn't kiss me back, I felt more in that one kiss than I ever had before, or since......until tonight.

Of course, I didn't let Jay know that, and I'm sure that he still just saw it as the joke it was supposed to be.

But it was his reaction that shocked me the most. I don't mean his initial reaction, the one where he kissed Beth - that was trademark Jay. It was after that. We had gone home together back to mine as my mum was working.

And it was like nothing had happened. We laughed, we played some Xbox games, and we fell asleep on the sofa bed watching a film.

Or Jay fell asleep. I just lay there watching him. For the first time I let myself think about what it would be like to be with him. Afterall, we had just kissed for the first time and everything was fine. He didn't freak out, like I expected him to. So maybe there was some hope?

I knew I was stupid to think it, but with that kiss still fresh in my memory, I couldn't help it.

I brushed some hair out of Jay's face. He was without doubt, the best looking guy I'd ever met. When he looked at you, with his bright blue eyes, it felt like he was looking into your soul.

Over time, I had realised my mistake. I had allowed myself to fall for my best friend. I had become the cliche that I always despised. I needed to do something about it.

So I started dating Kevin. And at first I began to think that he was jealous. I wasn't sure, because Jay always kept his emotions close to his chest, so I would constantly make excuses for the three of us to be together so I could try to read him.

I asked Kevin once, what he thought. Kevin said he was bound to be jealous, because he was no longer my male best friend. He said it would have been different if he was a girl, because a girl wouldn't have been able to take his place.

I don't know what annoyed me the most, the fact that I'd misread Jay's jealousy as meaning he wanted to be my boyfriend, or the fact that Kevin thought he could take Jay's place. We split up the following week.

I'd tried to forget what happened, and for a while I did. But little things that Jay did, made it hard. Like one night, I woke up and found Jay staring at me. He quickly shut his eyes and rolled over, but I know what I saw.

And on his birthday, when I gave him his watch, I went to give him a friendly hug, and he pulled me so close, like you would a boyfriend, so I kissed him on his cheek....and he blushed. It was absolutely adorable. I swear I fell for him all over again.

And then the kiss. If i closed my eyes, I could still feel it. It was the most intense thing I'd ever experienced in my life. There was so much emotion in it. For me it was 4 years of want; of repressed feelings, and love. For him it was what? Revenge? Curiosity? Love?

I felt the tears fall down my face again. Where were they all coming from?

I wiped the tears away with a fresh resolve. It had to stop. All of it. And it had to stop now. I was done with loving Jay. It was too damn painful. And if that meant losing him as a friend too, well that was a price I was willing to pay.