A New Year's Kiss (BoyxBoy)

43. I Had To Let Him Go

Jay

I looked at my watch.

7:30

Alex would be coming to pick me up in half an hour.

I was ready to go. I'd been ready for nearly an hour, which was a huge mistake. It left me with nothing to do, except worry about the night ahead of me.

"Are you sure you want to go out tonight?" Mrs Finley said, looking over at me with concern in her eyes.

I wasn't surprised she'd said something about it. I'd basically been pacing and fidgeting for the last hour so she would have to be blind not to pick up on my anxiety.

"Yes," I replied, trying to give her a reassuring smile, "I spoke to my dad about it. Even though it'll be hard, my dad said that there will always be occasions where I will have to be around other people who are drinking, and that I have to learn how to cope with that."

"I'm sure your dad has a point," Mrs Finley replied, "but there's no need to rush things. It's a club you're going to isn't it?"

"I know, I'm probably being stupid," I said, "but Alex isn't drinking either and we've already decided that we're going to be heading home as soon as it hits midnight, so I won't be there that long."

Mrs Finley continued to look at me with that worried expression that always made me feel guilty. "Just.......just be careful," she said, reaching out and placing her hand on my arm.

Mr Finley sighed.

"Come on dear, I'm sure Jay knows what he's doing," he said with an eye roll.

But as soon as Mrs Finley left the room, he leant over to me and quietly said, "If you have any problems tonight, you call me, you hear? It doesn't matter what time it is, where you are, or what state you're in, I'll come and get you, alright?"

I stared at him in shock, then mumbled out a quick "thank you," before Mr Finley went back to watching the TV like nothing happened.

I stared at my hands listening to the hammering of my heart in my chest.

It was weird. I wasn't really sure what I was feeling. But I knew I was happy. Happier than I think I had ever been in my life.

But just as quickly as the feeling had come, it was gone again. Replaced by dread. The unmistakable feeling that I didn't deserve this happiness, and that sooner or later it was all going to start crumbling around me.

I hurried to the bathroom and splashed my face with water, trying to calm myself down.

I completed my breathing exercises that I had been taught to help control panic attacks. I needed to think about this logically. Mr & Mrs Finley weren't going anywhere. They had been my rock over the past 4 years of my life. And my dad seemed stable at the moment, with no sign of a relapse. And I had Alex.

Alex.

Alex was the weak link. The one thing that I knew I was most likely to lose. And the thing that I needed the most.

But I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice.

No, I was definitely not kissing him tonight. I was going to be the model best friend. Even his wingman if need be. And no matter how much it would hurt to see him with another guy, I knew that it wouldn't even be a fraction of the pain I would feel if I lost him altogether.

I wasn't good enough for Alex. I knew that now, and so the best I could hope was that he would find someone to make him happy. And that I could at least get on with the guy.

It would be hard, but I knew I could do it. Alex wasn't mine, and I had to let him go.

And tonight was going to be the first step in doing just that.