A New Year's Kiss (BoyxBoy)

21. A Dead End

Jay

Things were not getting any better. In fact they were much much worse.

Even I knew I was spiralling out of control, but I didn't know what to do about it. Or even if I cared.

I'd upped my alcohol intake to try to block out the bad thoughts. I'd moved on from beer to spirits. Vodka being my main choice.

I hated my life, I hated my home, and most of all I hated myself. What was the point anymore, I wasn't too sure.

Even my nightly evenings with imaginary Alex had taken a turn for the worse. Ever since I saw him in the supermarket, imaginary Alex had started badgering me about my life and my drinking. He basically became the embodiment of the nagging voice in my head telling me I was a waste of time.

Despite this I still kept smoking the weed. Even though he made me miserable, it was the only conversation I would have in the day, and it was better that no Alex at all. Yes, my life had become that sad.

I sat in my bedroom staring at the wall. It was blank. There was actually very little to show of me in my room. I didn't decorate it with posters, or have any personal objects or photographs lying around. I suppose it was because I never really liked my room. Until I fell out with Alex it was just a place to sleep. And that was only when I wasn't sleeping at Alex's.

Now I basically spent my life in here. And I liked it even less.

I noticed my phone lying on the floor tucked under some takeaway leaflets. I hadn't charged it in a few weeks. I decided it was time to plug it in and see if anyone had been in touch.

After a few seconds of being plugged in, the screen lit up and went through it's opening sequence.

I poured myself a beer while it loaded and heard it beep three times to say I had three messages.

I picked up my phone and opened the first. It was from my dad.

Dad: Hi son, I was wondering if you'd like to come and visit for a weekend or something. Let me know what you think. Dad.

Nope. I deleted that one.

The second ws from Mr Finley

Mr Finley: Hello Jay, have you thought about coming back to the garage yet? Maybe the change of scenery would do you good. Call me if you want to talk. Frank

Woah! That was the first time he'd used his first name with me. It was weird. Kind of like when you found out the first name of a teacher.

The text made me feel guilty. I knew that there was no way I could go back to the garage like I was. I didn't want Mr and Mrs Finley to see me like this. I never realised how isolating drink could be.

I deleted the text.

The last one was from Alex. I felt my heart speed up a little.

Alex: I'm going out on Friday with some of the lads from college. Fancy joining the fun?

I felt excitement fizz through my body. Alex had actually reached out to me. Should I go? I knew I wanted to. I wanted to see him so badly.

Then it hit me. The text had been sent a week ago. Friday had been and gone. I felt a crashing weight on my chest as I realised I was too late.

But hang on. Just because I missed that day, didn't mean I couldn't set another with him. He had reached out after all.

I texted Alex.

Jay: Sorry I lost my phone so only just got your text. Are you free this weekend?

As I sat waiting for his reply, I started planning in my head. If I cut back on the drinking for the next few days, I could probably make it through most of Saturday without drinking. I could drink as much as I liked once I was out, but I didn't want Alex to see me arrive drunk.