A New Year's Kiss (BoyxBoy)

40. I Have Your Mobile

Alex

Christmas was approaching fast. Jay was going to spend Christmas at his dad's this year which was a first.

"So how long will you be gone for?" I asked while we were sat in my kitchen eating a take out curry.

"I'm going to get the train up on Saturday and then come back on New Year's Eve."

"Ok," I said. "What time is your train on Saturday?"

"Early," Jay replied, "9 something. Mr Finley's going to drive me to the train station."

"Oh," I said with a slight frown.

"What?" Jay asked, looking me in the eye.

"Nothing, it's just you won't be able to stay over Friday night seen as you're leaving so early."

I cringed slightly, hearing how needy I sounded.

"That's true but when I get back, I'll be able to stay over loads over new year as college doesn't start back up till the 6th."

I smiled. "I hadn't thought about that."

"I hope you're mum's got you some new games for Christmas or we'll get bored!" he said, clearly trying to lighten the mood.

Truthfully, I was dreading Jay going. I know it wasn't for long, but because I wouldn't be going to college, I would be home alone, bored, and yes, missing him.

I had quite a few things planned with my friends, but I was now so used to Jay being with us, that I knew it would feel odd without him.

I guess I always had Adam to keep me company. I had a feeling that Adam wanted to be more than just friends. I liked him, but not in that way, and I'd so far managed to avoid all conversations that could lead to him asking me out.

The reason I was avoiding that conversation rather than just getting it over with was because I honestly didn't know what to say. Maybe dating him wouldn't be such a bad thing?

I hadn't so much as flirted with anyone since I'd been in hospital and finished with Kyle, and part of me wondered if I was scared of something. Was I scared of getting close to someone again in case they hurt me? Or was I just scared of commitment?

It didn't matter how many questions I posed to myself, I couldn't get away from the fact that the thing I was most scared of was losing Jay. Every time I had ever been in a relationship in the past, we had always drifted apart a little, and with Kyle, we may as well have been living in different countries.

But the problem was now twofold. I was scared of losing Jay because I loved having him in my life, but now I was also scared that if we did drift apart, Jay might end up back on the booze, and that thought terrified me more than all the others put together.

And then I would argue with myself that I couldn't be responsible for Jay for the rest of my life, and I shouldn't put my life on hold just in case he might fall off the wagon. I mean, he could do that anyway, even without me dating anyone.

I liked Adam, and I thought that he might be a good test. To sort of dip my toe in the water to see how I would feel about being in a relationship again, and also to see how Jay would react. Because I didn't think it would last long with Adam, and so if things did go down hill, I could just end it.

But wouldn't that be really unfair to Adam? I suppose it would. But then again, who knew what might happen once we were together and got to know each other, and wouldn't he prefer me to give him a chance rather than to reject him outright?