A New Year's Kiss (BoyxBoy)

20. Long Time No See

Jay

Seeing Alex after smoking weed started becoming a nightly occurrence, and sadly it was the highlight of my day. It was crazy but I suddenly felt like I had my friend back.

We talked about all sorts. Stuff we'd done as kids, stuff we'd done recently, and stuff we'd never done. It always ended the same way too. Alex would start getting flirty and would try and get me to join in.

I hated that bit. Not because I hated the flirting, I hated it because it was a sign that Alex was about to disappear. As soon as I started focusing on those feelings, he would be gone. And I would be lonely again.

After about 3 weeks of this pattern, things suddenly changed.

It was midday and I was in the local supermarket debating whether to buy chicken or turkey. Chicken tasted a lot better, but the turkey was considerably cheaper.

I suddenly felt a presence next to me and looked up to see Alex smiling at me.

"Long time no see," he said.

It took me a few seconds to reply, seen as my first instinct was to tell him that I saw him last night.

"Yeah, sure," I said, quickly putting the turkey into the trolley and putting the chicken back on the shelf.

"You know, chicken tastes a lot better than turkey" Alex said looking at my trolley.

"Yeah I know but needs must," I said with a shrug.

Alex frowned with a slightly concerned look on his face.

"Is everything ok Jay?"

I smiled at him. I didn't want him to know the truth. I'm not sure if that was my pride or because I didn't think he had the right to know anymore. I'd never felt so unconnected to the person in front of me as I did now.

"I get by," I said.

Alex looked in my trolley. To my shame, I realised that my trolley was half full of beer. Cheap beer.

"Wow, that's a lot of beer," Alex said, still scanning over my purchases.

I instantly felt myself tense up. Here we go again. The judgement I couldn't stand.

"I don't need your opinion," I snapped, and began pushing my trolley away from him.

Suddenly I felt a hand on my arm and I stopped in my tracks, glaring back at the owner of the hand.

"Jay, I didn't mean it like that!" Alex said, concern written over his face.

I couldn't stand it. I didn't want his pity. It made me feel small and useless. And that made me feel angry.

"Get your hand off me," I growled, with enough menace in my voice to let him know I meant business, "go run back to your little fuck buddy and leave me alone."

Alex looked at me in shock and snapped his hand away from me, almost like it suddenly burnt.

I needed to get away. I suddenly felt like the walls were closing in on me and I couldn't breath. I pushed my trolley quickly away from Alex, but everywhere I went there seemed to be more and more people and trolleys.

I felt like I was wading through mud, and everything started to feel kind of spacey, like I was in a dream. I needed out. I abandoned my trolley and ran for the exit. Everything was closing in on me, and I felt like I was drowning, The exit was the surface and I was willing my legs to get me there.

I burst through the doors and gasped in a breath of air. Why has I been holding my breath? It didn't make sense. I suddenly felt eyes on me and I looked around to see a few people looking at me. As soon as I looked at them, they looked away and carried on with their day.

No one stopped to ask if I was alright. No one cared.

I hurried round the side of the supermarket till I was far enough away from any prying eyes. Then I leant against the wall and sank slowly to the floor, welcoming the feeling of the cold hard floor permeating through my jeans.

I wanted to cry.

No tears would come.

________________________

Alex

I flopped down on my bed with a huge sigh. Why did I say that? I had been waiting for an opportunity to speak to him for ages, and I blew it within 30 seconds!

"AAARRRRGGHHHH!"

"Are you ok?" shouted Kyle from downstairs.

Shit I forgot he would hear me. He was currently cooking dinner for me.

"It's fine Kyle.....I just....stubbed my toe."

"Ouch. I'll kiss it for you later babe."

I heard the kitchen door close behind him and let out a sigh of relief I didn't even know I was holding in.

Jay would die laughing if he heard Kyle call me babe. The thought of Jay made me smile, then the realisation of Kyle made me frown.

Why did I feel like that?

Kyle was amazing. Perfect boyfriend material, but lately I just felt ...I don't know....smothered? I hated myself for even thinking it. Right now he was making me a lasagna.....from scratch....because he knew it was my favourite.

Shit, maybe I was broken. Maybe I would always sabotage every good relationship I had. Is that what had happened with Jay? Did I sabotage that relationship too?

God I missed him. And I worried about him. Constantly. But every time I talked to him I seemed to make it worse.

I just needed to give him time. Time to deal with the demons his mum left behind.

I heard the clanging of plates and knew Kyle was dishing up dinner.

I sighed and pulled myself up off the bed.

I heard that niggling voice in the back of my mind telling me that Kyle was just a distraction, a crutch that had originally helped me get over my feelings for Jay, and was now helping fill the hole that Jay had left in my life. The voice was telling me I wasn't being fair to Kyle.

I told the voice to fuck off, then went downstairs for my lasagne.

A/N.  A word of warning.  The next chapter finally sees Jay reach rock bottom, only to find out there's so much further he can fall. 

Hold onto your hats people!