Ink ➳ Camren

Chapter Forty Five

All rights go to original author.
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It was wrong, all wrong. Everything. Wrong lips. Wrong hands. Wrong body. Wrong girl. Nothing about any of it made Lauren forget or feel better, not even slightly. Not so long ago, this would have been exactly what she needed, exactly what she wanted, who she wanted. Drinks, drugs, getting lost in someone's arms, anyone's arms, her arms. But that was before...
Lauren placed her palms on Lily's chest and gently pushed her away, breaking their kiss, ending it just as quickly as it began. "Lily..." Her tone filled in the words she left unsaid.
Still holding Lauren's soft cheeks, Lily let her hands fall away as she took a step back. She could feel her skin burning where the raven haired girl's palms pushed against the bones in her chest. Her hands found Lauren's, her knuckles turning white as she gripped onto them, her head bowed, her eyes squeezed shut; opening them would have been too painful. And there wasn't enough air in the room, each labored breath became harder to take in as her heart pounded beneath her ribs, beneath their two sets of hands. Lily's voice was raw, barely a whisper. "I love you. I always have."
It was only after the words were spoken, a silence hanging in the space between them, that Lily dared to open her eyes, those hypnotic hazel eyes.
From the moment Lauren had felt them upon her on that first day of school, her memories of life events had immediately converted to those that had occurred before Lily. While everything that had yet to come in the raven haired girl's world would forever be labeled after Lily. The bits of her past that were B.C. were all in black and white. All the ones that were A.C. were all stereophonic sound and Technicolor...but not this one.
The ugly fluorescent bulbs overhead covered them in harsh light. Lauren's green eyes filled with tears, a sad smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. "I know." Hearing Lily say those words would have once made Lauren's heart skip a beat, but there was no color in those memories now. Those times were before Camila.
The clarity of it all calmed her racing heart and ragged breaths like nothing else ever had. It wasn't shocking, it wasn't even a surprise. Lauren could have almost laughed at how simple it all was, if laughing wouldn't have been the most inappropriate response imaSinuheble. "I love her."
There were tears streaming down her face, gut-wrenching sobs overtaking her small frame before she could stop them. The weight of it all was both freeing and burdening as Lauren remembered Camila's silence and cold eyes. She felt Lily's arms wrap around her, pulling her in, tucking her safely under her chin, and holding her there. There was a soft kiss pressed to her crown and Lily's cheek resting against her hair.
Lily squeezed her eyes shut, letting her own tears fall, as she nodded and held Lauren tighter. "I know."
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Even though there had been a chill in the air, Camila hadn't felt the cold. She hadn't registered a single sight or sound or scent. She must have had to cross the road several times on the walk back to her dorm room, but she couldn't remember checking for oncoming cars or looking both ways. It was as if her senses had been switched off or numbed in the same way her thoughts had.
Then, there was the jangling sound of her keys, the click of the latch, and the creak of the door swinging open. The heels of her shoes striking the wood floors with each step and the door closing shut, the lock clicking back into place, she heard those things, but none of it sounded quite right.
She was breathing now; she could feel her lungs fill with air and then deflate. She wasn't certain that she had taken a single breath on the walk home, but she must have. There was a metallic thud as Camila's keys fell from her hand and dropped to the floor. She stepped out of her heels, her feet feeling deformed as they were pressed flat against the ground, the unnatural position they had been in all night finally releasing. It was like she was beginning to unthaw from her toes up, while also becoming aware of just how frozen she felt as a shiver overtook her body.
Her reflection in the mirror above her dresser caught her off guard. She didn't recognize the girl staring back at her. She felt detached. She turned away, throwing her purse on the bed, and clawed at the zipper of her dress, pulling it open forcefully. She pushed the material down to her waist and over her hips, the whole thing pooling at her feet as she stepped out of it.
The removal of her dress and underwear didn't make Camila feel any more recognizable as she stood there in the middle of her small room with only the light from the street lamps coming through her window, illuminating her tan skin and eyes. It was the red of her lips that was the most familiar. It was Lauren's shade. At some point, it had just made sense to coordinate considering that their respective lipsticks were going to end up on the other's lips straight away regardless.
Her touch was light, just her fingertips ghosting over her bottom lip, as she gazed at the color, almost not understanding what she was seeing until it suddenly clicked. She blinked away her daze, her fingers pressing down and rubbing at her lips urgently. A tissue was pulled from the box on top of the dresser and brought to her mouth, wiping it all away, removing the color. Camila looked down at the crumpled tissue in her hand, the deep red against the stark white. And then there it was, without fail, those perfect lines made from black ink. For one deluded second, Camila wondered if the ink could be wiped away like the lipstick had.
The sheets against her skin as she slipped under the covers sent another shiver racing through her body. She waited for the warmth to build as she buried her face in her pillow, clutching the blankets to her chest, squeezing her eyes shut, and all at once the images came flooding back.
It was all replaying in her mind, an endless loop of fragmented conversations and exchanges. The words that had been held captive in her throat as Lauren waited for her to reply.
She wanted sleep; she wanted unconsciousness and it came eventually, but not before Camila whispered to herself, "It's all over."
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There were clothes to be folded and packed. There were boxes to finish filling and labeling and taping shut with the corners of the cardboard perfectly aligned so that the integrity of their structure would not be compromised. Passport. Sunscreen.
Lauren had purchased the largest bottle of the highest SPF sunscreen she could find for Camila as a half-serious, half-kidding gift. Stop. Think. What else do I need?
Camila paced around her room, ticking items off the checklist in her hand. It was early considering how late it was that Camila had gotten to bed. And also impressive that she was even on her feet due to the blinding hangover she was experiencing thanks to the over-indulgences that are not only allowed, but expected during joyous celebrations.
But it was good. It felt good to have no other choice than to focus on the pain coursing through every cell of her brain and behind her eyes. It helped to only be able to concentrate on the churning of her stomach or the spinning of her head when she stood up too fast or turned to quickly. It felt good to feel something other than the paralyzing sorrow she felt every time she was reminded of Lauren. But she couldn't think about Lauren. Not right now. Extra contact solution and my sunglasses.
She placed the items in a neatly arranged row on the top of her perfectly made bed and ticked them off her list.
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