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eleven

When I returned home from the excruciating long date with David, I found a letter waiting for me in the mailbox.

Luke intentionally puts them in after my parent's check the mail so only I would find them.

I smiled and ran upstairs, avoiding my parents before ripping open the letter.

Bell,

There was one spot we loved more than the coffee shop.

That was the rooftop of our apartment building. It's where we watched all the starry nights and sunsets, your two favorite things, beside me of course.

I laughed, falling back on the bed, continuing to read.

We'd spend hours up there, watching the stars in the sky, it was so magical to you. You love the stars. You're so obsessed with them. You thought they were the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.

To me, they weren't the most beautiful. You were. 

Every time you were staring at the stars, I was staring at you. Watching you smile at the sky.

It's where we watch fireworks every year. 

I still thought you were more beautiful than them. You'd always cry when they went off because you thought they were so pretty. I loved them because you did. 

That's what I love most about you. You see the beauty in everything around you. You cry because fireworks are so pretty, you cry because sunsets are too beautiful, I cry because you're so fucking beautiful.

I've never been more in love with anyone or anything in my entire life.

I love your smile. I love your blue eyes, even though we always fight about whose eyes are bluer. I love your nose and how it scrunches up when you're disgusted. Your eyebrows when they furrow together when you're confused.

That stupid rubbery yellow raincoat you wear when it's raining. Even if I have an umbrella, you always wear that coat. You still try to convince me to get a matching one but I always tell you I'm too punk rock for it, you just laugh and kiss me.

I even loved you when you cried. When you yelled at me. When you told me you hated me. When you spent nights at Crystal's. 

No matter how much we fought, I still loved you. Even writing these letters, there is so much to put on a page that I have to force myself to stop.

I love you so much, Bell. 

                                                                                                                              - Luke

I smiled again, folding the letter up and sliding it in my drawer. 

I gasped as my head suddenly burst into pain, falling back onto the bed. I pushing the palms of my hands against my eyes, groaning.

I was screaming. I was screaming so loud, my throat aching. Nightmares plagued my dreams, plagued my sleep.

Then, Luke was there by my side, clutching my face and telling me I'd be okay. He was kissing me softly as I sobbed in his chest. My heart was beating so hard against my chest, I thought it might explode. 

"It's alright, baby," he whispered to me. "Shh, you with me now."

My body was shaking heavily in his arms, but his gentle hands soothed the pain and fear, hugging me to his chest.

I took deep breaths, calming down as he pushed my damp hair from my forehead. "You're alright, Bell."

I gasped as I opened my eyes, my heart pounding against my chest. Another memory.

Different memories flashed through my head and I struggled to keep up with them. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen from my desk and started scribbling.

Luke's POV

I moved over to Arabella's side of the bed, anything to fill the agonizingly empty space.

I missed her so much, my heart literally hurt. Life without her was meaningless and stupid, I don't know how I functioned without her.

Four years of my life was dedicated to her, every routine, everything was about her. Now, I couldn't reach out to touch her in the middle of the night, I couldn't kiss her in the morning, I couldn't make her coffee and breakfast, I couldn't cuddle with her on movie night.

I pulled myself from bed, stepping over the dirty laundry and mess on the floor and towards the box downstairs that held my mail.

These little trips to the mailbox was the only time I got out. It didn't seem right to have fun without her by my side. Live life like she wasn't there. 

I opened the box, finding normal mail with bills and papers, one letter stick out.

I furrowed my eyebrows, tearing it open as I took the stairs back up to the apartment.

Luke,

I remember your panic attacks. 

How I would take your face in my hands and look into those blue eyes. Those ocean eyes. I would tell you to breathe, "breathe Luke."

You would stare into my eyes and breathe heavily, your fingers clutching mine. I would start rambling along trying to make some stupid jokes just to take your mind off the bursting pain in your chest.

I remember when you finally controlled your breathing, your fingers brushing over my knuckles as you kissed me softly and told me, "thank you, I love you."

I never understood why you thanked me. It's the least I could do.

I remember your migraines. 

How you would sit in bed, in the pitch black, whimpers falling from your lips. You would yell at me to tell me to leave you alone because you didn't like me seeing you in pain.

I didn't care what you looked like, Luke. I just wanted to help you be okay.

I'd pull your head into my lap and brush my fingers through your hair softly, over your forehead, barely even touching you. I wouldn't tug your hair, I would just stroke it softly.

I would do that until you feel asleep. When you woke up, I'd have a cup of hot tea ready for you.

I remember the drastic differences in our body temperatures.

How cold I was and how fucking warm you were.

You'd grab my waist and pull me into your chest, wrapping your arms around me, goosebumps breaking out across my skin as you rubbed my arms quickly, warming me up.

Even at night, when I woke up in the middle of the night, hot as shit, I'd push you away, throwing the covers off, you would just pull me closer and wrap your arms around my waist, not letting go. 

Even in your sleep, you'd mumble, "I love you."

I don't know where these memories came from but I just had to put them somewhere, the best place is with you, Luke.

                                                                                                                                     - Arabella