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forty-three

"Who was at the door?" Harry grumbled in his sleep, turning over to look at me.

"No one," I quickly said. "They had the wrong door."

Harry hummed, pulling me into his chest, wrapping his warm arms around me. I sighed as he hooked an arm around my waist, his chest pressing against my back.

Should I have let Luke in? Kicked Harry out? Should I keep choosing Luke over everyone?

I sighed heavily, swiping the tears from my cheeks. Luke couldn't cut me out of his life and just come back like the spot hadn't been filled. Not that Harry filled his spot, he just made the hole is my heart less noticeable.

The sad truth was that if Luke asked me to get back together with him, I probably would. How fucking sad is that? After hurting each other so bad, I would just crawl right back to him if he asked me.

But I've made him believe that I wouldn't crawl back even if he begged so he's under the impression that it would never happen. I would bend over backwards, and forwards if he asked, to have him again.

No matter who I met, who I think I fall in love with, they'll never be Luke. They'll never make me feel like I did with him. 

All this time I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't in love with Luke anymore but as soon as I saw him at my door, it wasn't dread. It was a sigh of relief to see that he still wanted to be here. That he still wanted me. That he still loved me. 

I easily slid out of bed and pulled the box of letters from underneath my bed, tucking it underneath my arm before going into the bathroom and locking the door.

I sat on the toilet and opened the box, grabbing one of the unopened letters. After a while, I stopped opening Luke's letters, it only made me want something I couldn't have. But, every once in a while I'd divulge myself in a single letter. Like a dessert, like cheating my diet and having something to make me feel good.

Bell,

One of our favorite thing to do together was listen to music. Whether it was from the weird stereo in the corner blasting our favorite songs or a music festival. 

The first time we went to a music festival was an absolute disaster. But it was so much fun.

Green Day was the main artist of the festival and I remember we were at the gate hours before it opened just to get against the fence. You walked around and saw the other artists that you liked while I stayed practically pinned to that gate.

You got us food and drinks, you didn't even like Green Day but you still did it for me. It was so much fun they talked to us and talked about how cute we were, you sang along to a few songs.

We were separated a few times and this dude tried to hit on you, where you ended up punching him because he grabbed your ass.

I was so caught up in the band I didn't even see what was happening. The dude stumbled off while I screamed the lyrics.

I remember you had to pee so bad but you didn't say a word until Green Day went off. You waited until they were done because you didn't want to go by yourself.

You were so fucking cute. I loved you so much right then. That, even though you had broken a finger, about to pee yourself, you stood beside me, dancing and singing until it was over.

What I wouldn't give to just dance with you again.

I love you. 

                                                                                                                                            - Luke