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forty-six

"So, how did you and Harry meet?" Luke asked me after our third shot.

I chuckled lightly. "In a coffee shop."

Luke raised his eyebrows. "How ironic is that, huh?"

"You're telling me."

I took another shot, squeezing my eyes shut to stop them from watering.

"So, you have anyone special back home?" I asked.

Luke quickly shook his head. "Nope."

"Oh come on," I said, nudging him with my elbow. "Really? No one?"

"A fuck and chuck doesn't define someone as special." He chuckled, handing me another shot.

"A fuck and chuck?" I laughed loudly. "I've never heard that before."

Luke laughed softly, scooting closer to me. "I miss you."

I set my head on my shoulder and closed my eyes. "I miss you too."

He turned and met my eyes. "I don't want you to find someone else."

I groaned, picking my head up. "You don't get to have that decision, Luke."

"I just-I can't have anyone else, Bell, it's you," he said, pulling away from me. "I've tried to date. I've tried one night stands. I've tried everything but no one is you. You can't tell me that you don't feel the same. You really feel that Harry is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

"No-" I quickly said. "I-I don't know, Luke."

"You don't still love me?"

I turned to him, meeting his blue eyes. I moved a hand to his face, my thumb brushing against his cheekbone. "Of course I still love you."

"Then why are we doing this? Why are you telling yourself you're in love with someone else? Why am I still 7,000 miles away? Why are we waiting around for someone that always going to be each other?"

"Because the world has never worked in our favor," I sighed. "When have we ever been able to just exist together? Without fighting? Without struggling with money? Without the disapproval from my family? We can't be together because it's pointless to fight against everything that's thrown at us."

"You're not willing to fight for us? Just a little while longer?" Luke asked, nearly begging. "After everything we've been through, you won't fight just a little longer?"

"You can't just come to town and except me to fall on my knees and beg for you, Luke," I scoffed. "That's not how this works. You can't come home and fuck me and tell me you love me and then go home and fuck all these other girls."

"Come back with me."

I scoffed, downing another shot before pulling away from him. "No, Luke, we're not doing this again. We can't do this. I'm not leaving here, this is my home. I have Ash here, Michael, Crystal, fuck, I have Harry."

"Do you?"

I shoved him tightly. "Fuck you."

"Look, I didn't come here to fight with you," he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I just came to enjoy a drink with you, Bell."

I sighed and sat back down next to him. "Why is it always like this?"

"Like you said, nothing is ever in our favor."

"What happens after this?" I asked, ordering another shot. "You go back to your life in Sydney? Do your fuck and chuck? I go back to Harry?"

"You don't have to be with him," Luke said. "You don't have to move on."

"It's easier like that. Easier to forget about you. Easier to move on." I said, setting my head in my hands. 

"What does he do for you?"

I shrugged. "He keeps me from getting lonely. When we first broke up, I was at the bar every night, drowning my sorrows. My drinking problem spiraled out of control. Every night, I was drunk. Sometimes, during school I was a little tipsy from the night before. It wasn't until Ashton picked me up from my own pool of vomit and showered me himself that I realized I don't stop existing when I stop thinking and feeling."

Luke set a hand on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Bell."

"When I was wasted, you were there to hold me when I got home. You were there to hold me and love me. You were there, Luke," I said, brushing a tear from my face. "But when I sobered up, you weren't. I realized that how matter how much I drank, you were never there when I was sober."

Luke turned my stool, wrapping his arms around my torso, barely lifting me from the stool as he hugged me tightly. "I love you so much. I don't think I'll ever be able to love anyone ever again. You're my soulmate, Bell, you're the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with."

"Maybe I'm not," I said, my head still sitting on his shoulder. "There are 7 billion other people in the world and you think I'm the one you wanna spend the rest of your life with?"

He pulled back, brushing a piece of hair from my face. "I've never been more sure."

"No-no," I stumbled backwards and out of his arms. "I can't do this, we can't, Luke, I-fuck-"

I stumbled out of the door, Luke right on my ass as I got into my car, locking it behind me. "Arabella, you can't drive-"

I started up the car and ignored him, squeezing my eyes shut to stop the world from spinning around. I had to get out of here. I had to get away from him.

I quickly pulled away from the curb, cutting someone off. I blinked a bunch of times as I wrapped my fingers tighter around the wheel, trying to control it.