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nineteen

Luke's POV

I sighed as I sunk deeper into the couch, clutching the beer in my hand.

"What's wrong, mate?" Calum asked me, setting another beer on the table beside me.

I shook my head, rubbing my face. "I don't even know."

"It's her."

I sighed at the mention of her, taking another swig from the beer. 

"It is," Calum said to me. "Have you talked to her?"

"Not since I practically broke up with her," I frowned. "I saw her in the coffee shop and gave her the rest of the letters."

"I love you, mate, but I think that we all miss her," Calum admitted. "Ashton was crying the other night because she wasn't there for his birthday."

"I can't help that, Cal."

"Yes, you can," he said. "You pushed her out."

"No, I told her that we should take some time apart so she can figure out who she is without me."

"Okay, Luke, what are you without her?"

I shrugged. "Nothing, really."

"How do you think she feels about her without you?"

"Now you're just confusing me," I said, finishing the beer and popping open the next one. "I miss her so much."

Calum nodded. "I know."

"I want to be in bed with her," I muttered as Calum rose his eyebrows. "I'm not talking about fucking then passing out. No. She's better than that. I'm talking about just laying next to her. Rolling over and finding my way to her body. Holding her tight protecting her from any bad dreams she has. Finding her hand in mine like an uncontrollable attraction even in our sleep. Kissing her forehead as she lays her head on my chest. Feeling her heart beat as she's soundly asleep in my arms. Intertwining our bodies in our unconscious states. Just being connected like one. I just want to be in bed with her like we used to be."

"Then why'd you push her out?"

"Because I had to." 

"Did you?"

I looked up at him, meeting his brown eyes as he frowned. "I was waiting for you to ask her to marry you."

"How did you know about that?" 

"I didn't until now," he smirked. "I was waiting for it."

"I was too," I sighed, tears starting to burn my eyes. "The night of the accident, I was going to ask her."

"Damn, that's fucked up."

I nodded, covering my face with my hands as tears fell down my cheeks. Calum moved from his spot on the couch to beside me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

"I'm so sorry, mate." He mumbled, patting my shoulder softly.

***

I tore open the opening of the envelope, pulling the folded letter out.

Bell,

The first time I told you I loved you, we were at the arcade on the boardwalk.

It was so hot outside and all you wanted to do was stay in bed at my flat. The flat that I shared with the boys at the time, which wasn't a great idea for you to be staying over with Calum's peeping tom eyes.

You were in bed with my tee shirt on, my favorite tee shirt on, your hair an absolute mess, your makeup smudged from the night before. No matter how rough you looked, you still looked so beautiful. 

We had been together for about a month and a half. You stayed over almost every night, whichever nights you weren't at my place, I was at yours.

I made you get out of bed and come with me to lunch, which turned out to be pizza at the boardwalk. We got out pizza and ate, walking down to the end. 

You were already sweating, groaning on about how much you hated hot weather, which only led to me asking why the hell you were in California? You laughed and grabbed my hand, kissing it softly.

A few curse words and groaning, we were inside the air conditioned arcade. You were already red from the sun and I was scolding you for not putting on sunscreen, you got burnt so easily.

We were playing that dance game, laughing and tripping over our own feet, trying to beat the other.

You won, but only because I let you.

You tripped over your foot and started heading for the ground, but my instincts were quicker, reaching out and holding you up.

You were laughing, wrapping your arms around your neck. I smiled, looking down and meeting your blue eyes.

I just kissed your lips softly and whispered, "I love you."

You stood up straighter, the words just lingering in the air for a while. I was scared that you weren't going to say it back and just as I open my mouth to say something, you kissed me hard and repeated it.

I love you.

                                                                                                                         - Luke