Rebirth as the General's Wife

19: I Cannot, I Cannot

Xu Jun returned a month later. Instead of retiring to the Xu residence, he entered the palace because the Emperor had called for his presence.

When he came home, a brooding expression hovered over his face. Jufen had originally wanted to bother Xu Jun but after seeing the stress under his eyes, her heart inevitably softened a little.

"What's wrong?" she softly asked as she pulled him towards a comfortable couch and poured him ice water.

Not concealing anything, he revealed tiredly, "We're going into war with the Kuju nation. Within a week, I'll have to leave again."

Oh, she had almost forgotten about this. Jufen was not surprised nor concerned about the news, because it's her second time experiencing this specific war. Seeing him stressed out, she decided to lend a hand. After all, she was one of the few strategists that helped form the successful plan for this war. If she had the advantages, she'll use them; no nonsense here.

"Do you, perchance, have a model table of the landscape?" Jufen asked in a slow, cautious tone.

Xu Jun did not hesitate to answer her and nodded dully, "It is at my private residence. Do you want to go?"

Since he recognizes her unique abilities, he obviously knew what she was trying to do: provide a strategy. When the two arrived at the Ying residence and entered a private room, Jufen noticed a beautiful set of chess on the side. Seeing it, she smiled knowingly and turned towards Xu Jun, "Want to play a round?"

He raised his eyebrows but he did not question her. Perhaps, this will reveal some stress off of him. He gave her a casual nod and sat across from her.

Half-way through the game, Xu Jun started to notice something familiar about the set up. It was very similar to the Eastern borderline, Eastern camp base, and the land of Kuju.

"Burn the rations, burn the queen. The chariots are heading straight for the king, so he moves. Oh, both knights are on each side," Jufen taunted in a haughty voice. She moved the final piece, trapping the king, "Checkmate."

Xu Jun raised an eyebrow at her. Jufen lazily leaned her chin on her palm while tinkering with his king chess piece between her fingers. She held a cunning smile that did not reach her cold eyes, "Do you trust me?"

"Yes," he confirmed in a stern voice without an ounce of uncertainty.

She glanced at the model table that imitated the lands of Ye and Kuju before looking back at Xu Jun. That tiny gesture was enough for him to understand her meaning. The two discussed about the strategy a little more before heading towards a pavilion in the garden for some fresh air.

As she was peacefully sitting on a cushioned stool, she stared at the blue sky and the unusual clouds. This year's summer was not as hot as last year so the temperatures were slightly cooler.

One more year.

Suddenly, a hand reached out to touch her face. Jufen did not moved away fast enough so she was stopped short by the same callus hand. Xu Jun traced her face from the two beauty marks down to her chin before pinching it and pulling it towards him.

Being so close to him, she was unable to keep her calm demeanor up and broke into a small blush with uneasy eyes. He unblinkingly stared at her before leaning down to gently kiss her forehead.

"Thank you," he whispered, "for your kindness."

She frowned, "Kindness? That was not kindness, I was simply—"

"You are kind, Xiao Hua. You don't say it or even act like it, but your intentions are kind."

Jufen paused before laughing dryly, "No, my intentions are not kind. Everything is acted upon for myself. If they do not benefit me in any way, I do not bother. This is not kind, Xu Jun. This is selfishness."

"Selfish for wanting to protect the ones you love?" he ridiculed, "So what if you are selfish? Was the world ever selfless to you in the first place?"

Jufen fell silent as her heart stirred and averted her eyes away from Xu Jun. He pulled her chin back to face him and firmly gazed at her. However, she kept herself focused on his chest because she fears that if she glimpses into his eyes, she wouldn't be able to look away; to unseen the sincerity in his eyes.

After a while, he broke the silence, "Why won't you give me a chance?"

"Jufen has no idea what you're talking about," she coldly stated.

"You know exactly what I mean."

"Do not know."

"Oh? Then don't mind this duke's impoliteness," Xu Jun suddenly lifted her onto his lap and caged her within his strong arms. Before she even had time to react, he had stolen a quick kiss by pressing his soft lips on hers.

Stunned, she stuttered speechlessly, "You— you just, you..."

"Why won't you give me a chance?" he repeated his question. She struggled in his arms in vain.

"I don't understand what you're—" Xu Jun pressed his lips against hers once again.

Blushing red, Jufen learned not to answer him anymore. However, he still kissed her when she did not reply for a long time.

This time, he asked in a more vulnerable tone, "What can I do for you to give me a chance?"

Finally looking up, she saw his softened expression and quickly looked away. Why exactly did she not give him a chance?

Her face contorted into a hurtful look, as if she was recalling a bad memory. Resentment flashed in her eyes and her lips dipped into a small frown. She stared absentmindedly at his chest. Xu Jun knocked and gently rubbed her forehead with his. She pursed her lips at the uncomfortable friction and tried to lean away.

Silence filled the pavilion, with only the sound of the crystal charm chiming in the light wind.

He leaned closely and whispered against her lips, "I don't know who hurt you or what happened that you cannot tell me, but trust me."

'Can I?'

"I'm not him."

'I know...'

She blinked her tears away and furrowed her eyebrows before shaking her head, "How would I know if you would turn against your words? You cannot predict the future."

"Xiao Hua, you are my future."

"Stop trying to sweet talk," Jufen scowled and pushed against his firm chest in futile.

"I'll buy you lychee fruits every year for the rest of our lives," he suggested with his deep, smooth voice.

"Are you trying to bribe me now?"

"I'll bring you to hot springs during the winter and buy boxes of ice in the summer for you. During spring, we'll watch the flowers fall. In autumn, I'll take you to all the festivals," Xu Jun continued on with his list.

"It's not going to work—"

"I'll build a statue of you and worship it everyday..."

"What the fu—"

"Give me a chance," Xu Jun pleaded and gazed into her light eyes with sincerity. Her face twisted in conflict and felt the high walls that surrounded her iron heart shake. She shouldn't have looked into those eyes.

"I cannot..." Jufen weakly replied as he lowered his head to kiss her again.

"Stop this, I just cannot. I cannot fall, cannot trust. I cannot..."—she mumbled in between sweet kisses—"I cannot. I—"

"Can."