The things I think of when I'm alone

Where have my feelings gone?

"Hey."
"Hello."
"How are you?"
"I...feel empty, I guess?"
"Why?"

Ha, that's a difficult question... I used to feel a lot of things. I used to laugh. I had hobbies. I was writing stories. I had dreams. I liked history. I had someone I truly loved. I cared about appearance. I wore nice clothes. I made money to be with the person I loved. And now? Over the course of the last 30 months everything vanished. I'm not even interested in these things anymore. Ask me what my interests are then, but I have none. The person I loved turned out to be the one who hurts me the most and who manipulates me. My mom did so many awful things and I just feel so numb and depressed that my relationship with her has been ruined like that, even though I did my best and put all reasonable and unreasonable efforts into it.

Then, my university. I don't know what I am doing there. It's not something I would like to do, or maybe I am too sick to enjoy anything anymore? I have motivation only to have them perish in a few hours or days... And then weeks of being suicidal over the course and feeling too tired to provide myself with basic care. It's not bad; people are nice and I like the fact that I don't have to attend it every day, but... I don't want to be a mediocre student and then a mediocre employee...

I feel so sick and tired, so unhappy and depressed about it all. I'm a shell and I have to pretend that I actually feel things so that everyone feels comfortable around me. The truth is that every day I want to jump out of the window and become a human pancake.

I don't know what to do. It's been like that for about two months. I'm so lonely in this.