I seem to have been making people angry my whole life, probably before I was even born? I must be addicted to it now because I'm stuck at home living with an abusive family. I try really hard to be positive and see things from a spiritual perspective but all I do is piss people off. Everything I do is wrong. I'm so tired. It seems like I can't get through even one day without upsetting my family. Everything I say and do is wrong. I just want to die. I know it must be me because people have been angry at me my whole life. Recently I read in Crime and Punishment (F. Dostoevsky) something along the lines of: even the most miserable, suicidal person when faced with death will suddenly start rationalizing and even living on a cliff edge, exposed to the elements, alone, unable to even lay down is preferable at that moment of death to...actually dying. I think FD was basing it on his experience of a mock execution he experienced in Siberia (serving prison time). If I really wanted to die I'd do it, right? I guess I still have hope and just want the pain to stop. If I could just get away, have a safe place to live and money to exist then I'd want to live, right? I just don't know what to do anymore.
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The things I think of when I'm alone
PoetryUnbearable pain that is expressed and acknowledged becomes bearable. But people who have suffered from BPD received no such responses in their childhood. Therefore, they are stuck in the past, trying to elicit what they needed as a child-validation...
