The things I think of when I'm alone

My secret

Fifteen. The number of times I have tried to end everything, the pain always gets to me. I am a pretty weak person to the point it's laughable, ironically I am told I am a confident person who is always the light of the room. The funny thing is sometimes even I feel like I am on top of the world and nothing can hurt me, then reality comes back. Fifteen attempts is still not enough it seems, I hear all these stories of people who realize that their life is fixable when on the brink of death. Why hasn't it happened to me? Makes me feel defective in a way, like I don't work. I keep thinking back to how I felt after realizing I didn't die, it just made me feel worthless. I can't even kill myself?What can I even do at this point? One more time is all it will take but when I do it is another question, maybe soon.

It's like Sophia said on golden girls, "if you kill yourself today, you can't change your mind next week."

I sort of feel like that, maybe a tiny bit, but I've just got this overwhelming feeling of dread, just picturing myself dead, like going under anesthesia and never waking up, or maybe falling from a great height so that it looks accidental. I feel like it is really the end of the road for me.

So yesterday my mom told me that she'll be away from home tonight and I immediately thought about commiting suicide then. But I feel like I want to get something off my chest...

I hope no one takes this the wrong way, because it's just the way I think and feel with no wrong intentions...

So when I think about commiting suicide today, I'm not sure if I want to succeed... Maybe I just want it to be an attempt that fails. But let me explain myself please.

I want to know what it feels like to hang yourself. I've never tried it, because I was always scared that I would kill myself by accident without having everything prepaired. But now that I'm done with the preparations, I'm ready to try... The reason I want to know what it feels like is because I want to be MENTALLY prepared to my 'actual' attempt. I wouldn't want to fail that time and I'm really scared that I'd try to save myself as soon as I strangle myself, because I think that the feeling would freak me out. And that's why I want to be prepared...

Is it weird that I think about this...? I think I might actually try this tonight/soon, but I feel ashamed of myself and I hate that.

But there's one thing that you should know. As much as I'd feel like telling my "friends" that I had an attempt, I'm almost 100% sure that I wouldn't tell ANYONE that I tried to kill myself. (I also think I'd wear a scarf, because I read that when you wear a scarf when hanging yourself you won't have wounds around your neck after the attempt) So no, I don't want to 'try' so that I'd get attention from people. I would keep it as a secret.

A/N:

Am I the only one on here who thinks about this? I feel stupid...

- Hazelle