I was diagnosed with depression in 2013. I was fourteen years old but I've been depressed since elementary school. I hid it well for years before anyone knew. The first time I cut was in fifth grade. I did it more until middle school, that's when it started becoming more common. It was my little secret. Eventually my parents found out, I was hospitalized and that's when the cycle continued. I was an inpatient twice and I was an outpatient once. I have moods so at times I seem perfectly fine and then something triggers it and it all comes back to me. Everything that seemed to be going right started going wrong. I was never social, and I didn't have any friends, my parents are divorced. They split when I was three. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to be happy but I feel like I'm preventing it because of this whole depression.
The worst part is I know what needs to change I just can't do it. I change for a bit and then the real me comes back, and that's the depressed version who could give two shits about everything. Funny thing is, I love helping people. I want to go to Africa some day and help out. I've wanted to join the Air Force since I was ten. But I can't because of my damn depression.
It's just that I'm not at war with the world, I'm at war with myself. It's me that I don't like. Ugh, I'm a mess and that's the truth. I can't hide it forever, it seems like I'll always be depressed. I can't escape. I'm stuck.
YOU ARE READING
The things I think of when I'm alone
PoezjaUnbearable pain that is expressed and acknowledged becomes bearable. But people who have suffered from BPD received no such responses in their childhood. Therefore, they are stuck in the past, trying to elicit what they needed as a child-validation...
