The things I think of when I'm alone

Things haven't been going well at all...

I just float through life, trying to hold on to something... seemingly anything there is to try and hold on to. I don't want to be alone... alone in my life, in how I feel, in how I think and in how I see things from my perspective. I'm not done with this life yet, I don't want to die like this...

From my family leaving me to go on vacation without me and never even contacting me.

Nothing! ... to the sudden realization of mental illness... to constantly losing my job... never being good enough... to being right out used and brutally attacked... and the permanent pain I live with getting worse.. there's no end.. the ghosts don't rest to give me a second of peace in this world. And they follow me everywhere I go, showing through the smiles and the promises. Showing right through my forced will to care about myself and anything about this world.

I don't know if it's night or day...
I can't really tell if I've eaten...
I don't even know if I can pay my rent and my bills or if I have already or not... I'm delusional to anything going on in my life.. I don't want it...I don't need it..

I'm not gonna stop working but I can't do this anymore. I'm just wasting money on rent. I have nothing and all I do is work work work, but I don't have anything real for myself. I'm going to start over..reset this game.

I'm gonna do this for me. Fuck everyone else. I can't depend on anyone but myself anyways, and I'm never keeping anything for myself. Now it's time to buckle down and save my cash for the first time.

I'll start this spring, by then my whole house will be empty and I'll be out of this blood sucking game of living paycheck to paycheck. I won't be a bum, because I'll have places to shower and crash if I really want to. But if I had my way I'd go wherever the hell I wanted whenever I wanted, and that starts by ditching the rent payment. Fuck it, I hate my life anyways... what do I have left to lose?