The things I think of when I'm alone

Hello, world

I feel like I'm in need for a confession right now. I don't have friends to talk about my depression nor I know of any other place to open up about how I feel, so might as well write here. I feel though that this is completely pointless, publicly announcing my thoughts and such, since hundreds of others share the same story as I do. I'm in desperate need of opening up anyways so here we go.

So just like any other typical depressed person, I was bullied for years, starting from age 10. I was bullied for my looks inside and outside of school. I really had no escape, so I was just bearing with it. I never really had friends but I was okay about that. This was my life and I didn't know any better how it would feel like to have a happy, social life. Some time during middle school I changed schools, I found a couple of friends. I felt like I finally had the chance to show who I actually was and I was finally happy after all the years of bullying. Then suddenly one of them left me, admitting that I wasn't 'cool enough' for them. I mean sure, I was never pretty and my social skills were lacking spunk, but they basically left me when they didn't 'need' me anymore. I was hurt of course, but I didn't really care. Later on I got better friends, whom I really got attached to.

I started to feel ugly, as in like physically ugly, and I started hating myself because of it. I actually started cutting myself because of my looks. I know, pathetic, but I was only 12, I didn't know any better. I saw the world being revolved around looks back then. Later on I started to feel of burden to everyone. This was when I was 16. I cut myself again and started crying to my friends about how much I hated myself for always burdening everyone. Then of course, I realized I started burdening them more from even telling about how I felt about myself. I started to make their life less nice.

And now, I'm 19. I'm stuck like this. I feel alone, I don't know how to communicate with people nor I have anyone to tell my worries to. I feel as if I'm an idiot, a burden, not cared for, trying too hard. I'm just nothing. I feel emptiness. I don't get love from my family either. I know I've closed myself now from everyone and I wish I've never met any of the great friends I have today.

Why do I hate myself? Well let me give you a nice, brief list:

I'm ugly
I'm a burden to everyone
I'm always making a fool out of myself
I'm not special in anyway
I get annoyed by people way too easily
I have difficulties with tolerating a lot of people
I'm basically a joke for thinking I would ever be anything
I'm REALLY annoying
My voice is terrible too
I believe way too easily that people would have cared for me
I'm an idiot, who doesn't deserve great people around me. I don't want people to even get to know me, since what happiness do I bring to anyone's life?

Now here's another thing. Because of this, I really don't want to date anyone. I really don't want anyone to end up with a fucked up person like me. But, then again, I'm feeling lonely. I don't want anyone but I still need someone. It doesn't make any sense I know, not even for me.

But in the end, I think I will be most mentally stable if I was left alone from everyone. I feel like I would commit suicide even if I was with someone or not. I don't know when that will happen, but might as well be tonight. I stopped caring about my situation 6 months ago and just lived on being unhappy. I don't mind, as long as no one is bothered by me, I'm cool with being alone.