The things I think of when I'm alone

Putting a lot of effort into this

I'm really going to try to kill myself tonight. These last 2 two years have been hell. I always thought I could find a way out. I can't. The pain just gets worse. The depression gets worse. I became so anti-social. So alone. My thoughts feel insane. Anybody I ever loved left or won't help me. I wish people cared about me. But in a sick and twisted world, those are just words. Nobody shows that they care. I was born to lose so I'll die to win. I never thought that would mean taking my own life to find peace. Can't win in life, might as well die to win.

I'm only writing on here because I can't talk to any of my "friends" about this. They just wouldn't get it. The short story is that I'm in my 20's, and last year had to move back with my parents after my position at my old job ended. I thought it would be a short thing and I was fine with it. It's been a year, and I can't find a job. I do stuff here and there for cash and do like seasonal stuff but I can't find a full time job. I literally apply to 20+jobs a day. I wouldn't be so upset about it except I really need a place of my own now because my parents are losing their house next month. They are trying to scramble to find a place to live, and I refuse to go with them. I shouldn't still be living with my parents, and also we don't see eye to eye on a lot of stuff — living with them is pretty stressful. I have never been happy or had an "easy" life. I've thought about killing myself for about 10 years, but never thought it was bad enough or thought it would get better with time. It only keeps getting worse. I'm so depressed and my life is so meaningless. I have a few friends and family who would miss me when I'm gone, but overall I haven't accomplished anything or have anything to live for. Everyday is stress and I'm terrified that the day will come when we have to leave the house and we'll be homeless. My friends are all rich so they wouldn't get it. They are also all successful so they don't understand how hard it is to keep trying for something that never happens. I don't really want to die, I want my life to be better but I just don't think it ever will be. I keep praying and hoping for just a little improvement but it's only getting worse and I cannot live like this anymore, so unhappy, stressed, and basically being a loser. The only thing holding me back is my fear of hell and feeling bad for leaving my parents during this stressful time for them and around the holidays. I just don't think I have any other choice though. I never thought things would end up this way.