Isn't our existence the most illogical thing in the world?
I am tired of living, everyday is the same thing, one day after another. I don't know if it would be different if I could actually get in a relationship with someone I could really care of. Sometimes I'm afraid it won't change, even if I could get someone to be with. It's just that life its so tasteless for me. I don't really think I am depressed or something, it's just that I don't want to live anymore, I think it's way too boring. I mean, I'm 19 years old and had done the same things in the last, I don't know, 8 years, waking up, going to college/work, returning home, studying, sleeping, wasting time, waking up again, and again and again
I had never had a significant relationship, at least a real significant relationship with anyone. But as I said, I think life in the whole it's not worthy of living. I don't like to do stupid things, or illogical things to waste time, and I think life is the most senseless and illogical thing ever created, so I don't have any motivation to live it. I mean, if there was like some real reason to live, I could say like, "Oh, so that's what it's all about". But no, there is no real reason... everyone chooses their own reasons, and everyone is right in that sense, some people believe in god or in fate, or invisible forces... good for them, they have it very easy you know, "Oh god created me, I have to live to return to heaven" or whatever, just like that, enough reason to live. But in my case, I just can't believe in those beings, for me it's not an issue of believing or not believing, I am pretty sure there are no things like that. And on the other side, living is just pretty boring, I wish I could choose a real reason to live and be happy with it. I hope life wouldn't seem so stupid and senseless for me. I wish I could enjoy life like other people, but I just can't.
I am not like "suicidal" I guess, but it's just that I don't want to continue living... don't know if there is a difference somehow... I am not sad, I'm not crying, I have lost some people in the past, but really had gotten over it... its just that I feel, utterly tired of this whole senseless world, where you are born just to wake up every morning and do the same shit until you are like 80 years old and die of a stroke... Don't know if there are other people like me that feel tired of living just because they are bored of the same shit.
I really wish to sleep and never wake up again. I haven't done it because of my cat. I don't want to hurt anyone but if it were for me I would have killed myself. I have even thought of paying someone to do it for me so that they don't know it was my choice but I'm not sure of that either...
Just wondering... why are all people enjoying their lives? Don't they notice there is no real reason to live? How do I fool myself into "finding" a reason to live?
YOU ARE READING
The things I think of when I'm alone
PoetryUnbearable pain that is expressed and acknowledged becomes bearable. But people who have suffered from BPD received no such responses in their childhood. Therefore, they are stuck in the past, trying to elicit what they needed as a child-validation...
