The things I think of when I'm alone

I was nothing but their hostage

I've been abused horrifyingly so since I was about 7 or 8 years old. My only childhood memories consist of finding horrible things on my parents computer and being raped while I was sleeping (I think I was 15 and a half years old) I knew from a young age I would never be able to leave the abusive party in any way other than death, so every day during my teenage years I would fall asleep praying to die at least 100 times before falling asleep, well the prayer exactly was I would die peacefully before morning... I'd rather been dead than alive my whole life but my problem was I had no idea how to commit suicide to end the life that I didn't want. I would wish on stars, birthday candles, you name it. If you could wish on it, my wish would be that I would die as soon as possible and that would be painless. So I had planned since 9 or 10 years since, none of my prayers seemed to work that I would kill myself by gunshot to the head. I would have much rather died before ever taking any high school or any middle school classes, but I had no idea how to kill myself. High school was the worst time of my life. I was the odd kid out because I was being abused at home.

In 2017, I turned 18 and that was the year I had vowed to myself that I would kill myself by a gunshot to the head. When I was 15 my abusers started assigning fat men to grab me and started shoving needles in my veins. I have no idea why they ever did these things. I guess the point I am trying to make is I am only alive today 100% against my will and only because they held me hostage.

My prayers and wishes now are only the same as they have always been that I will die soon and painlessly. I really hope that I will get a shotgun or some other type of gun in a month or two and I hope I kill myself... that is the only thing I've ever wanted. I am looking forward to it. I will be happy to finally die after being held hostage by people I hate all these years where nothing has happened.