I'm so used to going through every day feeling nothing positive. I'd say for a solid 6 months I've felt anger, sadness, loneliness, jealousy, hopeless. I've felt frozen with only negative emotions being able to course through my body. I just want a small period of time where I feel good, reassured with myself, happy, glad I'm still here. I need some kind of sign that even though this past year and a half has been legit the hardest time of my life but that it'll be worth it somehow, or maybe not even worth it maybe just a sign that my life won't be like this forever. As much as I honestly don't want to kill myself I don't know what will happen if these next few months stay this way or somehow get worse... I want to wait it out. I want to die old. But realistically I can't take being this angry and lonely anymore. I'm not myself this way. I wish I had someone there for me the way I'd be there for someone else who was in my position.
I just feel so unhappy. I cannot help how I feel and I believe that there's no way I can get better. I feel I'll always be messed up and I'm never ever going to get better. I do know a few people care about me, even if it's a tiny amount but I feel if I leave wherever I go when I die I will be free and happy. I can start a new life but even if I make it I feel like I will be more messed up than I am now.
I can't tell anyone how I feel, I don't want my mom to know I feel like this and I know she'll just brush it to the side.
YOU ARE READING
The things I think of when I'm alone
PoetryUnbearable pain that is expressed and acknowledged becomes bearable. But people who have suffered from BPD received no such responses in their childhood. Therefore, they are stuck in the past, trying to elicit what they needed as a child-validation...
