The things I think of when I'm alone

Struggling to get my life together

A/N:
Let me first say my thoughts are on the racing side today. I can't get them ordered, and I'm going ramble.

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I've dealt with depression since as young as ten years old. Motivation is the hardest thing to come by these days. The trouble is this, I'm struggling to get going.

I know that the more I think about the more impossible it becomes. Yet for some reason I feel like all I want to do is sleep and wilt away. It's all so damn convoluted in my fucking head right now. I feel guilty, and disgusted with myself. Like I'm being an entitled shit. Sometimes I hate myself, other times I'm super gentle with myself. Then there are times I logically see all the reasons I'm a valuable person, but emotionally I feel like complete garbage.

I'm a mixture of afraid, and defeated though. My job makes me miserable. I won't make enough to really even survive. I have the very real wish I'd never been born and I feel anger towards my parents. I'm nineteen and I'm stuck in this world, with a life I don't really want. One I wish I could trade or give to someone else who wants to fight for it more.

I hate saying that. I'm strong, and I have determination. I know I can do so much, but I just don't have the patience to. I could make this life great. I have all this knowledge and advice. Some of which I actually follow. I drink mostly water, I eat healthy preparing meals in advance. I don't work out like I should but I'm not in terrible shape and my sleep schedule is fucked.

I'm in therapy, and I'm taking medication and frankly I haven't noticed a difference. I need to do something about my situation, I need to spur myself to action because no one else will, but for whatever reason I just can't dig any deeper. Can't say I'm surprised. I've been drawing on those unknown reserves since I was sixteen. I sort of went along with everyone else because I had no ideas for myself. So I'd say fuck it and try it but after climbing all the fucking hills I'd get to the top and find nothing. Now I'm out of will to ride up any more hills.

Life is pain, my sister once said. My thought after that was "Well then I don't fucking want life." I mean I do a lot of the time. It's hardwired into us humans. I just... I don't know. I'm in a weird place. I feel a lot of pain, but I don't know why, or how. My therapist has me looking into some of the studies going on about boredom and how it may be tied to disgust, and how depression is, in part, one's anger internalized and turned inwards. Perhaps it's anger over feeling guilty and entitled. I could believe that.

I don't know. I'm fucking struggling is all I know. I want to sleep but I think I've been up more than I've been sleeping in the past 24 hours. Wish I hadn't been born, wish I could just transfer my health and opportunities to someone who wouldn't waste it like I feel like I am.
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A/N:
I know this is a incoherent mess of a ramble. I'm sorry.

- Hazelle