The things I think of when I'm alone

No reason for me to be here

I've been building up the courage to take my life for some time now. I'm 21. I'm in my third  year of university. When I was in high school, I was one of those "good students". I did everything right. Despite being suicidal all the time. I joined a sport which I actually never got credit for. I joined all the clubs I could. Honors every quarter. Had friends and everything. Never got into any fights.

Typical goody two shoes.

I'm sick mentally. It's to the point where I can't get out of bed some days. I've had so many people tell me that it's not a big deal. To suck it up. The pain can be unbearable. I have so many symptoms that I don't see the point. Everything hurts. And when I say everything I mean everything. I've literally had people come up to me. Straight in my face and ask me why I'm so lazy. I've had coworkers (before I accepted that when I push myself I can't move afterwards for several days or weeks) that talked behind my back about me lying that I'm mentally ill. That I say that so I don't do my work.

I'm mostly rambling by now but I still go to school despite my situation. So I'm fucked basically. The local hospital staff know me well. I'm down there all the time. But recently I chose to stop going. It's not worth it. I'm wasting people's time. I feel like a fake and a liar. If you'd look at me I'd look like shit.

I hate myself. There are some days I get so angry at myself because I convince myself that it's not that bad. And maybe it isn't. Maybe I'm overreacting. Either way I still want to kill myself. Either my life is a lie or just too painful to live. I'm constantly switching between the two because of what I hear other people say about me. I used to be confident. Happy even when I was in pain I pushed through it. But I just can't anymore. I have so many pills to choose from. From all my doctor's visits. I've picked out a couple bottles that I know will put me to sleep fast. But I haven't opened the lids. Even when I'm in pain. I avoid them. I think I deserve it. All the pain I have. It's no use fighting to return to a "normal" life either. The only reason I made it through high school was because I knew how to fake it. To act happy. I never really was. I bullshitted my way through the part of high school I wasn't in. Complete bullshit. I never knew what I was doing. I was scared everyday I'd do something wrong. Even before I left I had people telling me my mental illness was a petty overreaction and me not being able to handle stress. Now I literally just do whatever people want. I don't have an opinion or mind of my own. I just do whatever people say until I can finally just leave. I don't have a purpose here. Especially with the amount of people who tell me I won't get anywhere without a high school diploma. And I knew it was true. I just didn't have the courage to leave then. But I graduated high school in 2017 with honors and I had a full scholarship in soccer and I still feel unaccomplished. Even though I'm in my university now I still feel like I have no purpose to be here anymore.