The things I think of when I'm alone

Who am I?

It's 11:20 pm and all I can do is stare into the darkness as I listen to the most depressing music I know. I'm still wondering what I am. If I wasn't a christian I would have let go months ago. Sadly, in the name of being a christian I thought God wanted me to get help for my "Mental Health Problems". But telling someone "I'm gonna kill myself because I'm tired of being me," always leads to them making the "What's wrong with you?" face. Ever since I tried therapy, things have been worse, Now I feel like I can't ever take the suicide route because the whole world thinks "She's a retard" and I'd just be proving them right. But I'm not a retard.

I'm awkward around people, I suck at public speaking, I'm always self conscious, and I worry about stuff months before they happen. I don't even know how I got a scholarship. I've tried everything through out my life to get my head straight. People thought "She's lazy, she doesn't wanna go outside, she doesn't like to be sent to the grocery store, she doesn't like going to school, all she does is sit inside and mope around. She has no idea what the world is like, she'll never make it!!" But I'm not lazy.

I used to be fat and awkward and a nerd. But I couldn't take the bullying, the insults, the literal disregard for how I felt, the berating, and worse off I'd get bullied at school and come back home and get bullied by my family and beaten by my mom. Just to shut them all up. I starved myself till I lost all my weight and the fuckers thought "Hey you lost weight cuz you hit puberty" No you morons I starved myself, I did a hundred pushups a day, I never said a word in return when you said all your bullshit. Now, my weight isn't the first thing they see when they look at me, but even though everyone is nice to me, all that shit is stuck in my head. The scars run deep and now I got zero self esteem and rely on my looks and I feel FUCKING EMPTY. After all that all I got was nothing in my heart.

Who am I? That I proved them all wrong and did what they never could. I even got a job made my own money, more than those half-assed people I call family members. All they did was give me a plate of food and say fuck-off we couldn't give a shit if you were going through the worst thing in your life.

I'm stuck in a reality that I can't even believe. I've lost everything I wanted, and all I have I feel nothing for.

I worked hard at school, and didn't care when they called me names. Because I hate myself SO MUCH, and I know those bastards never hated me, they didn't care and that's the messed up part. They just ruined me and it was like stepping on an ant, it meant nothing, and they'll never remember but I always will.

I hate myself, so I'll never be able to live to make myself happy. Not even my sister can ever understand that. Who am I? I'm nobody and I'm living a lie. Fuck all this bullshit I'm done. I can't stand being alive anymore, I'm so drained from crying every single damn day because the voices in my head won't stop taunting me.

I have no purpose here.

My own mother tried to kill me two years ago and the memory is still fresh in my mind. I'd get horrible flashbacks from time to time and I honestly don't know how to cope. It happened in 2016 and that was not long ago. I was only seventeen and I was so helpless.

I feel like I can't go on anymore. No one would give a fuck. Therapy hasn't been helping at all and I'm just wasting my damn time. I just wish I could just sleep forever and never wake up because I don't want to face the nightmare that is my life.