The things I think of when I'm alone

Slow descent into madness

I have been contemplating killing myself almost every hour now.

I just don't see the point in trudging through this life anymore every night. I hope I fall asleep and never wake up but then I always do the lines between my sick twisted dreams and my  conscious self are blurred so much. I don't know what's real and when I am dreaming I just want this to end. I am sick of fighting of trying to be strong for everyone in my life but myself. I can't do it.

I'm starting to feel like the universe or god or something is making it very hard for me to kill myself. I tried to hang myself two months ago and a friend of mine ended up calling the cops and they sent me to a mental hospital where I ended up staying for a day and then I got sent to the medical side of the hospital but that is another story for another time. When I got out of the hospital I started to have suicidal thoughts again. I ended up running my car into a guard rail head on going 60 MPH and nothing ended up happening to me other then my car getting totaled and I bruised my shoulder. Now that it's been a while I've been thinking of a new way, a sure way to end my life but I'm thinking that it's not going to happen this time or something will stop it like it has been. Between friends stopping it or because I live with a roommate  who is always home when I seem to be home so I never get some alone time to off myself. So because of that I can not slip into the bathroom and try to hang myself like I want to do.

Why can't I get the sweet ending of death?

I just get to be revived and I have to face all of my bullshit, all of my issues still hit me square in the face but this time it always seems like it's worse somehow. Each time I try to kill myself and I end up surviving, somehow it always seems like everything is worse. Like I sink a little bit lower in life. Like I become a bigger dissappointment to everyone around me. I get looked at some plague that no one wants to have. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I thought for sure that crashing into the guard rail would work but that didn't. I had an old childhood friend die by hitting head first into a pole on the side of the road. He wasn't drinking or under the influence of any illegal or legal drugs but he somehow dies. Now can anyone tell me how the hell that is? You have someone who wasn't even trying to kill themselves and they end up dying anyway but here you have me who has planned her death down to the smallest detail and somehow I end up living, can you tell me how that is?

My other options, ways that I would try and kill myself by carbon monoxide poisoning. My plan for this was to go to home depot and buy an exhaust hose to go on the end of my exhaust pipe and the other end would go into my window. This one would be a bit tricky because I don't have a garage like I wished so I would have to do this method outside somewhere to insure my demise. That being said I can see a lot of issues with this, one of the biggest issue would be that around where I live it's surrounded by a lot of people and because it's by a main road there's cars always coming and going throughout the night so finding a spot to park and not being noticed would be very hard if not difficult. And then would be the part of taping the hose to the side of my car and parking it in a way where no one would notice what I'm doing or seeing the hose where it would be in my window. My other option that I had is the one that I already mentioned and that's the one where I'm hanging in the bathroom with my scarf around my neck. The only issue that I've had with this one is that I can never get one night alone by myself where I could do it.

So like I've said before and like I'm sure you already know by now from reading this. That killing myself is harder then it would seem and it seems like something (god, universe, etc) is stopping this from happening. Well with all that being said, my mom didn't raise a quitter so I'm going to keep on trying till I can one day get it right. Hopefully that will be tomorrow, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my friend works and that I'll finally be alone to do what I need to do. It seems like lately whenever I get the notion that I will be alone at night I get super happy and excited. But then when I see that, that's not the case I get really angry and down, depressed to the point of wanting to cry all because I can't get to do what I need to do. It seems like this notion of wanting to kill myself has gone to wanting, to now, a sense of urgency. That my head is now telling me that I have to die. That there's no other way out of this then dying at my own hands. I've let my problems build up too much this time. I've dug my hole too deep and this time I can't climb out to fill it back in and fix it all. I can't fix everything that I've done these past months and I honestly don't want to try anymore. I'm tired and ready to go. I just wish that life would see it. I wish that god or the world would see it and let me go already. Stop trying to hold on to me and let me go free. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that it happens. Maybe tomorrow I'll get another shot at this. If there's one thing that I have hope in it's that. I won't pray to die in my sleep tonight because I know that would be a joke within itself. I mean come on, if I can't die awake and doing my best to off myself what would make me think that somehow something magical would happen and I would end up dying in my sleep peacefully. Well I'm going to bed tomorrow's another day. Hopefully though I won't be talking to you guys tomorrow. Hopefully I'll find some peace and be where I want to be. And that's dead, not having to deal with responsibilities, stress, and my life. The things that eat away at me every time I open my eyes in the morning.