The things I think of when I'm alone

The end feels near more than ever

I've been wanted to end my life even at a young age because of the loneliness I felt inside my heart. I used to get bullied when I was young and I was pushed around with no one to help me. I barely made friends because they found me weird and ugly. I made some a few years before high school who were good people but none could ever understand me. I always felt misunderstood and hopeless. High school was the worst time of my life for freshmen and sophomore year. I couldn't stand school and I felt so lonely I even just felt the urge to end this pain. I've tried to end my life 15 times and all have been a fail due to me being a weak person. I am very weak in the heart and mind. A year and so on I felt the feeling again of dying. I started to feel lonely. I realized my family didn't understand me after all. I was so heartbroken because of all the trust/love I gave to them and how my will to remain alive died. I quickly remained sad for months but tried my best to be happy and follow my dreams to be a musician but even now... I just don't feel the will to do anything not even move. Lately, my depression has hit me harder than ever. Last night I went to a river and tried again to end my life but I am pathetic and weak. Couldn't do it because I am not a strong person to go such lengths even though I want this pain to go away. I just want to end this and to be in peace because I feel so lonely which I don't mind but... I just wish deep down inside my heart I could find one person who could understand me and actually love me and doesn't betray me like I have been most of my life.

I've trusted so many people including my family but in the end..like always they never understand me and cause me more problems. I was sent to the hospital a year or so again because I tried to commit suicide. I was let go because I had to fool everyone I was fine... I have a goal in my life I'd wish to do but I feel like a failure because I see other people are always better than me at everything... I always ask myself... What makes me so special? I don't see anything special and I've been told I am a kind hearted person but I feel that part of me dies everyday and I am more of a douche bag to people now a days. I don't want people inside my heart or to even vent to someone my true feelings which words can't even describe because I am afraid... I just wish I knew how to end this pain or what to do because I feel I am reaching my limits of life...